Little Miss

In 2011 I lost 4 of my best friends.

In 2011 I had my heart broken, more than once.

In 2011 I saw my tiny hometown get shaken by unexpected deaths of those we all knew and loved.

In 2011 I became a coward, a person fearful of the world around her.

In 2011 I built my walls even higher, and shut out everyone around me.

In 2011 I turned to self harm, and began cutting myself, losing hope in people and everything around me.

In 2011 I lost control.

But...

In 2011 I became closer with other friends and roommates, and have an incredibly deep connection with one.

In 2011 I fixed my broken heart, more than once.

In 2011 I saw my hometown grow stronger than ever, unite, and stand by each other through the tragedies.

In 2011 I've tried to break away from that fear, succeeding on occasion.

In 2011 I learned who I can trust, and as a result have protected myself.

In 2011 I realized how much I love my family, and how I am the luckiest girl in the world to have the most supportive and loving parents.

And in 2012...

I will stop cutting myself. I will take back control of my life. I will guard myself from heartache but remember to be kind to those around me and not shut everyone out. I will step out of my comfort zone more and try to have more fun. I will avoid locking myself in my room and shutting out the world when it gets hard. I will be more appreciative of my life and the many, many ways it has been blessed. I will remember those who are no longer with us, and forgive those who left me on purpose. I will strive for inner peace. I will go back to being a person I am proud of, and not use my weaknesses as excuses. I will continue being a fighter.

Here's to a new year, a new start, and a new life.

Stand Still, Look Pretty

Tomorrow is my best friend's 21st birthday. We grew up together; she lived behind me for the first years of our life, and even after she moved her house was my second home. I've been on trips with her family, we've been through extreme ups and downs, but through it all have remained best friends. I owe a lot to her- she's kept me sane and stuck by me, even while she was in another hemisphere of the world. And tomorrow, while everyone is out celebrating her 21st birthday, one of the biggest milestones in a person's life, I won't be there. Why? Because the other girls will be there, and I still can't face them. I don't want to face them. I continually have dreams about them, I think about them all the time, and am haunted by memories of the past now that I'm home. There's not a place in this small town where I don't have a memory of one of them. & I can't go to her dinner, because more than anything I don't want it to be awkward for her. I want her to have a great birthday, free from drama and tears and uncomfortable tension, which is why I'm sitting this one out. And it's literally killing me, knowing that because of something that didn't even involve her, I won't be there. We're having a holiday party at our house today, and a bunch of family friends and cousins are coming over. I sit here all dressed up, hair curled & make-up on (a very rare accomplishment), desperately wishing I could just be in bed watching One Tree Hill and avoiding the past. Yet once again, I have to put on a forced smile, pretend like this isn't eating away at me, and pray that I can make it through the night without that realization setting in again. Just gotta stand still & look pretty.

What Can I Say

Everything's changed. I can try to say something to make myself feel better, but it would just be a lie. It was silly to think that things would stay exactly the same, even after all of that time. People move on, it's what they do and it's necessary in life. I can tell things have been different, I could tell the day after the last time I saw you- it was a Friday, I was horribly hungover and driving to Lincoln City with my roommates to get some things done. I wasn't sending text messages to you as much or as quickly as I usually do, and I assume you interpreted that as me not wanting to talk. I can give you reasons as to why I didn't, but I don't think it'll change your mind at this point. You're different, but I can't blame you. It's my fault things have ended up this way, so I'll take the blame and responsibility. I feel like utter shit for forgetting to wish you a happy birthday, I really wish you knew how badly I feel. But, the past is in the past & there's nothing I can do about it now. The direction our friendship seems to be going in isn't that great, but I feel like there's nothing I can do to change it without seeming like I'm either taking advantage of you or leading you on. And as I feel you slipping away, I have no choice but to let you go. I'll tell you that I still care about you and will be here for you no matter what, even though I doubt you'll ever take me up on that. You have been a huge part of my life for the past 10 months, and it's going to be a big transition to lose the person I leaned on the most throughout everything I went through. But, most things have to come to an end, and once again it's time for me to try to stand on my own two feet instead of relying so heavily on you, because it's just not fair for you. Saying I'm sorry probably still means nothing to you, but I am. I'm sorry for the way things ended, I'm sorry for ever hurting you, and I'm sorry for all I put you through. You didn't deserve it. And I pray that someone a hell of a lot better than me comes along and opens your eyes up to all that you've been missing, that she treats you the way you deserve to be treated and you love the way you never have before.
I will always and forever talk about you with a smile on my face, and never regret saying yes to the dance.

Numb

I can't deal. Every little thing that happens, I take very personally. I over-analyze, I expect too much, and I trust too much. I'm done trying to explain myself to people, trying to tell them how I am. 99% of the time they don't actually care, they're just curious. & it's getting to the point where I don't even think I can talk to anyone, because it's the same old story, and they don't know how to react, will judge me or just talk about it behind my back (which, I've discovered over the past week, more did than I thought). I am sick and tired of the pettiness, of everyone acting like they are such saints but in reality they suck just as much as I do. I'm tired of girls thinking they're different from everyone else but they're all the same. I'm done feeling like a victim of myself, feeling like I want to reach out to someone to help but knowing it'll do no good. Saying I want it all to end at this point terrifies me; I don't think I'll ever reach that point and I know it'll do no good, but I am consumed and overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness. Most days I don't want to get out of bed, but I do anyway & put on a fake smile for the world, hiding the unrest I feel inside. 

I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up.

Irvine

I promised Josh I wouldn't do it anymore.

When I found out about his passing, I came home from five hours of class and collapsed into my door. I couldn't breathe I was crying so hard...I started hyperventilating but turned that music up louder to drown out my thoughts. For the first time, it didn't work. I cried until I couldn't anymore, and was left with the remaining silence from the storm that had just passed over me. I still can't believe that someone I grew up with is gone. It was hard to handle; even though we hadn't talked in really long time, I'd been hanging out with his brother and their friends, so I knew their group. I was overcome with guilt. I felt bad for all of his close friends, for his twin brother, for his family, because they're never going to see him again. And while they're desperate to have a loved one back in their lives, I'm still pushing away all of mine. 

The text from one of the girls propelled me further down. I had just received news about two more guys from my tiny hometown passing away, and was overwhelmed with the longing to be back home. That text message...though it might've been legitimately because she cared, seem forced and insincere. It only served to bring up memories from a lonely and unbearable summer, spent counting down the days until I could be away from everything and everyone that had brought me so much pain. Yet now, 1,000 miles away, I am still reminded of that pain every night when I close my eyes, and I can feel it overtaking me once again.

I promised Josh I would stop. I got down on my knees, looked up to the sky & started talking to him. I said I wouldn't be weak anymore, I wouldn't give in....that I would live for him and cherish every moment I have because we never know when it'll be our last. And so far, I've kept my word. It's been 16 days, but the urge is eating away at me, pestering me with every breath I take. It's all I want to do now, and everything around me is triggering that desire. Yet I can't....I can't and I won't because I promised Josh I wouldn't. So I'll sit here, try to occupy my mind with schoolwork, music, movies, anything to make my mind stop racing. I'll go to bed tonight, & pray for the strength to make it another day. 

A revolution's not easy

with a civil war on the inside. 

Sweet Silver Lining

I woke up feeling hopeful today, which is quite a change from the past couple weeks. I've had extreme difficulty with every situation that has been thrown my way since I've been back at school, and needless to say haven't found the healthiest methods of coping. I finally cracked Saturday night, and took out all my anger, aggression, stress, and feelings of overwhelming exhaustion on my roommates, and for this I feel bad. Eventually we all reach our breaking point, and it took something as little as being around drunk people to push me over the edge. I sat in my room and cried- cried over events of the summer that haunt me every night when I close my eyes, cried over knowing that my parents would be going back home & it would be another five weeks before I see them again, cried over the urge to feel the sting of the pain again but knowing I shouldn't, and cried over feeling completely hopeless and defeated. It reached a point where I just stopped, and blankly stared, not knowing how to climb out of the hole I have found myself in for the past four months. It seemed that every time something was going well, I would be beaten down once again, and the actions of those around me hit me like a train. I slowly started losing complete faith in people, especially those I had put the most in to begin with, and began to feel alone once again. A person can only take so much disappointment before they begin to internalize that they're the problem; this idea sunk in. Though it took me a while to come to terms with this fact, I need to remember to stop expecting so much out of people. We're all human, and I can't honestly believe we're going to be perfect all of the time. It might be easier to expect nothing out of everyone, and then be pleasantly surprised when something goes right. Though this seems like the ideal way to go about my day, I don't think it's going to happen. I put too much faith in humanity, I still believe that there is good in everyone and that they are capable of being the kind of people I hold them to. This may yield high expectations, and I may find myself constantly frustrated and upset with their actions, but at least I start out giving them the benefit of the doubt. 
So while the past three weeks have been filled with tears, misery, and an overwhelming desire to run away from my problems once again, this morning I find myself a little bit stronger and prepared to deal with whatever is thrown my way. This isn't to say that my dark spell is over, because I don't believe it is. Perhaps I'm in the eye of the storm, comforted by a bit of calm among the turbulent. What I do now is that for now, I need to do my very best to keep my chin up and prevent myself from permanently going under. My horoscope today was scary accurate, and I think it's something I'm going to stick with me for a while:

"You may be feeling a bit gloomy now. Something hasn't gone your way. Maybe several things haven't gone your way, and it's starting to get to you. But if you give in to feelings of darkness and pessimism, you will dig yourself a hole that gets deeper and deeper, and it will eventually be very hard to dig out of it. But if you can step outside yourself long enough to see the sun and understand that it's still shining on you, you can start to feel positive again. All you need to get back on track is a change of perspective. Look on the bright side." 

Just gunna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.

Breathe

Let's just say I could've used something like this to read weeks ago. Maybe it would've helped me get through everything faster, maybe I would've read it and not absorbed anything, like I usually do. I can relate to the third paragraph though, and I am starting to feel more at peace with everything. For the first time since I've been back up in Oregon, I hung out with my roommates and friends yesterday. I had been sick all weekend and isolated myself in my room, but when I had woken up I decided I was done hiding out. And for the first time in a long time, I laughed. A real, stomach hurting, tears falling from your face laugh, and it felt amazing. I realized how much I really missed these people, and how much I love them. I can tell this is going to be a great year, and even if it starts off bad, I have the power to change that. I alone can determine my outlook on what happens in life. I know I often say this, that I'll try to be more optimistic and deal with hardships better,  but after everything I went through this summer, I really think this is going to happen. I saw first hand that even though I felt like I fell really far off that horse, all it took was looking up to see that happiness wasn't out of reach again. This isn't to say I'm not going to have dark days, because I know I will, it's inevitable. But I will work damn hard to make sure they are few and far between. Because I deserve happiness, I deserve peace. And while this may be temporary, while I could wake up tomorrow feeling low and hopeless again, right now I can finally breathe.

Believe

Ten years ago today, our country was brutally attacked. And while it's usually difficult for me to remember what I had for breakfast in the morning, I can remember that day perfectly.
My mom woke me up as she would any other school day, but this day was different. She frantically ran into my room, walked up to me and said "wake up, our country is under attack." I was only 10 years old at the time, so I wasn't really aware of what was going on. I came down stairs to see my pup, and gave her a great big hug because it was her birthday. Then, I watched the TV as the towers were burning and they kept replaying the video of the planes flying into them. I was terrified, I thought something was going to happen to us, even in the small town of Agoura, but mainly was scared for my dad who was in LA. I put on all my valuable jewelry- my cross, the necklaces from my grandparents, and put my Teddy in my backpack and took her to school with me. Everyone was confused and scared and it was all we could talk about. When we finally got into class, I can remember talking to my classmates and my 5th grade teacher Mrs. Champion coming up and giving me a great big hug. Then, we went to work on making September the most patriotic month ever. We made tee shirts, pins, drew pictures, wrote essays, and even performed patriotic songs in front of the school. To this day, Mrs. Champion still has all of her patriotic stuff on the walls in her classroom.
As I said, I was really young when all this happened. I didn't understand terrorism, I didn't know why people would want to hurt us; to my knowledge, the US was a country everyone loved because so many people came here. I didn't understand the politics behind it all, and still don't. What I do know, is how many innocent people lost their lives that day. I know that we were victims of a hateful and inhumane act. I know that people still feel the pain from the loss of loved ones. I know that because of this day, we have lived in fear of something else happening, of more American lives being ripped from us.  I know that this day brought us all together, that we were a united front and joined each other in mourning. I know that together we've been picking up the pieces, and have tried to be strong and move on from this tragedy. I know that we can try to forgive, but we will never ever forget. 
I pray for those families who lost loved ones because of this attack. I pray for the heroes who risked their lives to save others, and even those who survived. I pray for all of those who were affected by this event, and I pray for our country- that we will always keep in mind what happened, and stay together no matter what.
United we stand.


Yellowcard- Believe
Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Climbing higher through the fire
Time was running out
Never knowing you weren't going to be coming down alive

But you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Be strong believe

Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day
Never fearing only hearing voices calling out
Let it all go the life that you know
Just to bring them down alive

And you still came back for me
You were strong and you've believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe
[radio voice]
Again today,
we take into our hearts and mind
Those who perished on this site one year ago
and also,
those who came to toil in the rubble
To bring order out of chaos,
to help us make sense of Our despair

Wanna hold my wife when I get home
Wanna tell the kids they'll never know
How much I love to see them smile
Wanna make a change right here right now
Wanna live a life like you somehow
Wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe
Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving lives in the dark

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe
Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day

(radio voice): The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.

Never an Absolution

One of the worst things for me is having a bad dream. I absolutely hate waking up in the middle of the night scared or upset, especially since I'm always alone. The dream I had last night has been bothering me since this morning. In it, I took a gun up to my bedroom and was threatening to kill myself. I have never had a dream like this before; there have been plenty where I've been trying to run away, but never one where I was actually contemplating death. I know I've had my low points, but it's never gotten bad enough to where I would even think about committing suicide- it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and the thought of it breaks my heart. I haven't been able to forget about this dream, and for some reason it's making me feel very, very alone. Things have gotten considerably better since last month, and I've been loving my time at home with my friends and family. But right now, I feel the numbness coming back, and I don't know why. It's something I wish I could so badly control, but so far it's proving to be more persistent and stronger than I thought. I just hope this doesn't last too long, that I'm able to feel alive again, and that the dreams I have tonight are going to be more uplifting. My dreams usually show me what it is that I want, whether it be love or closure or even just to hang out with N Sync (one of my favorites). If this is the case, if a dream really is a wish your heart makes, what does this say about how I really feel? Is it that deeply ingrained in my mind that I'm not good enough, not worthy of anything, even life? I know these might seem like ramblings of a dramatic girl who overreacts, but honestly right now I am downright scared. It's difficult to try to explain this to anyone, which is why I'm choosing to mainly keep these feelings to myself, at least the intensity. But I just feel helpless, empty, and disturbed. Not like mentally disturbed as in there's something wrong with me, but that no matter how hard I try, and though I might get close, I can't receive peace- the one thing I am desperately seeking. 

Beautiful Disaster

I hate that the past is coming back to haunt me right now. I hate talking to certain people and feeling the sting of the pain I had felt way back when. I just want to move on with my life but for some reason everything I tried to run away from always catches up with me. Guess it's proof we can never escape.
I know I'm not the same girl, I know the reflection staring back at me is drastically different than it was 3 years ago, so why do I still ache inside? Just thinking about how things used to be, it's tearing me apart right now. Honestly, I don't know if this is something I'll ever get over; it cut me so deeply those five years, and I fear it's permanent. This doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it's numbing, & I hate myself for letting something this trivial bother me so much. I just want to be able to breathe deeply and feel okay with everything- I just want to forget. 

Live Like You Were Dying

I'm approaching my third year in college, and am realizing how quickly the time is going by. Freshman year was undoubtedly one of the best years of my life, mainly because of how much I grew as a person. I was exposed to life for the first time, and got a taste of what it's like to be completely on my own. I experienced a lot freshman year, and while sophomore year was fun, it definitely didn't compare. I want to make a promise to myself to make the most out of this coming school year. I want to stop living in fear, I want to enjoy the times I have with my friends, and I want to be put out of my comfort zone more, because that's when I learn and grow the most (and in some cases have the most fun). I already know a good deal of my life has been wasted with me staying home, too afraid to face the world. While I will always have these fears deep down inside me, I really want to work towards getting rid of them completely. I came across a quote, written from a girl on another blog, and I realized I'm not the only one starved for something different. We both want to experience life, to taste its sweetness (and bitterness as well), and to have fun while we still can. Reading this quote made me even more determined to have an amazing year; I can't say anything for sure, but I will definitely try hard to make junior year even better than last year.

I want a late night adventure. I want someone to call me up and say, “I’m outside. Let’s go do something!” I want to go out late at night in my pj’s and my hair all tied up. Maybe drive around. Go to a park and just swing on the swings. Maybe sit in the grass and watch the stars or maybe go to a 24 hour food place and pig out. I just want a late night adventure with people I like to be around. No drama. Nothing but good vibes and good company.

Who I Am

I thought it'd be a good idea to compile a list of things that I love, things that inspire me so I can look back and remember where I was at this point in my life. So here it goes:

• Titanic
• the 1950s
• black and white photographs
• macaroni and cheese
• chocolate milk
• sunflowers & sunflower fields
• houses with wrap-around porches
• vinyl
• tattoos
• the sound of the ocean
• Christmas lights
• MUSIC
• concerts
• everything about film
• boots
• pickup trucks
• Chevelles/old muscle cars
• Disneyland
• perfume
• silver jewelry
• stuffed animals
• candy
• James Dean
• nail polish
• Supernatural
• baseball/New York Yankees
• song lyrics
• One Tree Hill
• Aviator sunglasses
• baking/cooking
• candles
• Bette Davis
• Oregon State University
• Thanksgiving
• Halloween
• pen pals
• Saint Jude
• Mexican food
• Shopping
• Running
• Elvis Presley
• Yellow Labradors
• Fluffy pillows
• Cuddling
• Slumber parties
• Horror movies
• Eskimo kisses
• Bubble baths
• Baggy sweatshirts
• Smell of boy’s cologne
• Fireplaces
• train tracks
• small towns
• bakeries
• typewriters
• Christina Aguilera
• pie
• sunshine

...in a nutshell:)

The Soundtrack To My Life

Music has been my savior this summer. I've immersed myself in songs that detailed my sadness, my longing for better days, and my strength to go on. The songs that have helped me get through:

1. This is Letting Go- Rise Against
2. What Can I Say- Carrie Underwood
3. Happy The Hard Way- Every Avenue
4. Breathe- Taylor Swift
5. What If You Stay- Chuck Wicks
6. What's Left of Me- Nick Lachey
7. Wish You Were- Kate Voegele
8. A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans
9. Even If I Wanted To- Jason Aldean
10. I'm With You- Avril Lavigne
11. Vicious Circles- Aaron Lewis
12. Strip Me- Natasha Bedingfield
13. Here To Stay- Christina Aguilera
14. Everything Changes- Staind
15. Life Stars Now- Three Days Grace
16. Iris- Goo Goo Dolls
17. Last Kiss- Taylor Swift
18. All We'd Ever Need- Lady Antebellum
19. Colder Weather- Zac Brown Band
20. Love Lives On- Mallary Hope

When words fail, music speaks.

♥ 

Beaver Nation

Choosing to go to a school with a football team was one of the best decisions of my life. I had the option of attending Cal Poly SLO, and although I loved the town and the fact that it was a solid distance away from home, I hated the fact that there wasn't a football team. I am still convinced picking Oregon State University was the best decision of my life; not only do I love the campus, but I have made amazing friends- a new family an entire state away, and I would do anything for them. They were a blessing; the whole reason I chose this school was because of Corvallis. This precious little town revolves around our football team. Everywhere you go, you can see people adorned in the orange and black school colors, anxious to root for our beloved Beavers. I'll admit, I was never a huge fan of football. After going to the games freshman year though, I fell in love. Waking up early, getting decked out in orange for another "orange out" in Reser Stadium, and rushing over to get in line with hopes of sitting right at the 60 yard line, it's all part of the fun. Today, our season starts. I can't wait to get up there to cheer on our boys, to scream during the game when we make a touchdown, to do our ceremonial chant when we make a first down, and to watch the game openers on the screen which always give me goosebumps. I'm excited to hear the crowd chant "O-S-U" and scream for our heroes on the field. I'm dying to feel the camaraderie when we all pile into that stadium, and for a moment it doesn't matter what grade you're in, what clique you're in or which parties you attend on the weekends, if any. All that matters is that you love and support your team, and will see it through to the end with them. Therefore, I don't care how many times we win or lose this season, it doesn't matter if Oregon blows us away during the Civil War (though I would love nothing more than to beat them). All that matters is that we cherish this time, we make the most of the season, and we support our team.
Go Beavs.

Learning to Breathe

Well, a lot has changed in the past month. It's hard to believe it's already September, and that in exactly one week I'll be back in Oregon with the people I've desperately needed by my side. This summer was a very difficult one, but without these challenges and mistakes we wouldn't learn anything. After everything that's happened, I know I can look back and say that I survived; it sure as hell wasn't easy, and maybe it's not fully over, but I made it through the worst (I hope)- and learned a few things along the way:

• Your true friends will be there for you, no matter what. It doesn't matter if they don't know what you're going through, it doesn't matter if they have a ton of new friends and have grown up and changed. If they care, they'll show it.
• You can and have to depend on yourself. I spent a good amount of time alone this summer, so naturally I had a lot of time to think. I was able to realize what I want in life, am slowly realizing the kind of person I hope to become, and know what steps need to be taken to achieve this. Tonight was an amazing night, and I spent it completely alone. There's nothing wrong with staying in on a Friday, to pamper yourself a bit and indulge in an episode of Gossip Girl (or two, or three, or ten...).
• If people have no respect for you and bring nothing positive into your life, walk away from them. There is no point in sticking around and working towards a friendship if it's not reciprocated. There's also no point in superfluous drama; eliminate it from your life and I guarantee you'll be a lot happier. Cut out the people who are too wrapped up in their own petty agendas and focus on the ones you have fun with, who enjoy your company as well. It might be painful, especially if they've been around for the vast majority of your life, but sometimes it's necessary to make these cuts, and you'll ultimately be better off. Life shouldn't be spent vying for the attention and friendship of those who clearly don't care, so stop wasting your time.
• Family is always there for you, no matter what. I realize this may not be the case for everyone, but it certainly was for me. Some of the best times I've had this summer have been with my parents, cousins, and aunts. I've realized how much I love them and how much I enjoy spending time with them- my cousins and I are closer than ever and I've loved every minute of it, and gained two new best friends in the process.
• There is nothing wrong with breaking. In fact, it's healthy. Sometimes you need to reach a low point so you know which way is up, and can take the steps to get there again. With that said, there is nothing wrong with crying, and nothing wrong with pain. The pain only lets us know we're alive, and that we care. 
• However, when you start to feel numb (as I did), reach out to someone. I can guarantee there is always somebody to talk to. I credit my current sanity to those who have stuck by me this summer, and haven't turned their backs when I reached out.
• Music can make anything and everything better. Whenever you need a friend, music is there for you. There is literally a song for every mood imaginable, and hearing the words from someone else that you're too afraid to say and too embarrassed to think makes you feel less alone in the world. 
• And finally, you are never alone. Regardless of how bad it may seem, how dark it might get, there is always always a light at the end of that tunnel, regardless of how long it might be. Sometimes all you need is a little faith; faith that everything will turn out alright, faith that you'll end up better off, and faith that even though you're going through hell, you'll come out stronger, even more ready to take on the next curve ball life's going to throw at you.

Suffering in Silence

So we're talking again. & I know you look at these, which means you'll read this. Somehow being able to write on here makes it easier than actually saying it directly to you. 
Now that we are talking again, it makes me realize how much I actually missed you. I mean I've known all along, because you're the one thing constantly on my mind all day. Every little thing that comes up during the day, I want to tell you about, but I stop myself. I don't want to abuse the strength you're showing me right now by being my friend & being there for me when I need it, especially for tomorrow. More than anything in the world right now, I just want a hug from you. I just want to feel safe again, I want to know that everything is going to be alright & I want that comfort instilled in me again. I feel this emptiness inside me again, that I felt right when we first stopped talking. I think it's because I know I can only have you as you are now, and not like how it used to be, & this is my own fault. It's hard to concentrate on my anthro final right now, since all I can think about is being held by you. I wish you could come with me tomorrow, I wish you could tell me that I'm not alone, even though this isn't that big of a deal at all, it still kind of bothers me (as much as I hate to admit, because I always want to put on a brave face). So, if you are reading this, I am sorry. I apologize in advance for the text message you'll probably receive before and after it goes down tomorrow. I wish I could rewind to February, where we'd just be laying down on my bed, my head on your chest & arms wrapped around you, listening to music. I felt so peaceful, so happy & untouched by fear or sadness or harm. I want that back. I want those feelings back. 

Fighter

As stated in my last post, I've spent the past month or so feeling numb- like I wasn't good enough, worthy of time or love. Now, I think I'm done with that. I'm done letting people get the best of me, letting their attitudes and actions bring me down. I'm done thinking that I don't deserve respect and friendship, when I do. So now, I am going to live my life for me. I am going to block out and forget about those who forgot about me, and concentrate on the ones who were there for me all along. I am going to become the person I've always wanted to be- someone who's mentally and physically strong, who has killer abs and willpower, who knows what she wants and will stop at nothing to get it. I am going to put more emphasis on what I think of myself than what others do. I will explore life more, and will do what I want when I want. So, to those of you who turned your back, who walked out, and who shut the door in my face: thank you. You made me realize a lot about myself: I don't need you anymore.

Comfortably Numb

Every since I started with this online blogging fad, I have actually learned a lot about myself. It also helps that all I do is go to work, write essays for online classes, eat, sleep, and sit on the computer (with the occasional tanning session). I have zero idea who I am. Do we ever really know though? I know what I like, I know what keeps me going and what I look forward to, but my mind is composed of 30,000 different things each day. I think about dying my hair, getting more piercings, drawing new tattoos, and blasting my rock music in a concert tee. I think about baking cupcakes, decorating them with sprinkles, spending the day in the kitchen. I think about delicate sundresses with cowboy boots, fresh squeezed lemonade, and fields of sunflowers. I think about running, swimming, boxing, and working up a much needed sweat. I think about car rides with the windows rolled down, letting my hair run wild. I imagine what my life will be like 1, 5, 10 years from now, and whether I'll have a steady career as a teacher, or a family, or will be completely alone. I think about how I belong in the 1950s, & imagine growing up when life seemed simple and families had the cookie-cutter image. But mainly I think about time. I wonder if I have enough of it, to be all the versions of myself that I wish to be. I wonder if it's possible to even be every version of myself, or if they're too contradictory. I wonder what it is that I am here for, why I was placed on this earth, and in what way will I leave an impact, if any. And around this time of night, like clockwork, I sit in bed and think about the past. About the people I've lost, the people I've left, who've walked away from me & who I've walked away from. I think about how different my life was 3 months ago, last year, and where I am now. And I think about how this will affect the coming school year. And, just like clockwork, an overwhelming feeling of nausea and pain in my stomach causes me to curl up in a ball & lay my head on my giant stuffed bunny rabbit. Life: it excites me, it confuses me, and it scares me. & what I want right now, is just to feel something again. Anything, at all. Because this feeling of numbness makes me feel like I'm just floating through life, wasting the time I have and not taking advantage of the greatness I'm surrounded by. Yet somehow, I don't care. I know that I just have to get through another month & I'll be back up at school, will once again become the person I love, and will be back with friends I desperately need to lean on. Until then, I'll remain comfortably numb.

The Comet

The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning. And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him. It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again. And his belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in his heart.

I got your letter. It broke me in two. I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know if there is anything left to say. Was this closure? Was this your way of trying to put an end to everything? I just want to know why you sent it, but I am too afraid to ask. We haven't spoken in 3 weeks now, the longest we have ever gone without talking since the night I met you. And every single night, around this time, an ache builds up inside me that won't go away, that stays and sucks the life out of me until I fall asleep with your sweatshirt. 
You haunt me, baby. You haunt me.

 

A Woman's Heart is a Deep Ocean of Secrets

This line from Titanic has never ran more true than it did today. I lent my mom the books A Child Called It, The Lost Boy, and A Man Named Dave. For those of you who aren't familiar with this series, it's an autobiographical story cut into three novels (a fourth was released later) about a boy who was severely abused by his horrible mother, and how he went through life dealing with that and trying to survive. My mom blew through the first two, and is now about to finish the third; I'm fairly certain she started them this week. She came in to talk to me today about them and was expressing her disappointment for the main character in the novel, the author, who talked about acting like a child around his mother even as an adult, especially when she would continue to berate him. She was upset that he didn't stand up for himself. I tried to explain my take on it- that he suffered so much as a child it's possible the fear he had then would always come back to haunt him while in his mother's presence. What she told me after that, only one other living person on this planet knows, and it broke my heart in two.


I was never super close with my grandparents, her mom and dad. They were older, we didn't see them that often as my brother and I got older, and we just weren't that close. From what I can remember of them, my grandma was a tiny woman, who was always yelling at my grandpa, leaving him mean notes and just generally being unpleasant to him. She was always nice to me and to the rest of my family, at least when she knew who we were (she had developed Alzheimer's, and died this past November). What I was unaware of, was that my mom suffered the same verbal abuse when she was growing up, and worse than that, my grandmother beat her. She would hit her with yard sticks, with metal fly swatters, and tear her down with her words. My mom told me she could remember her and her father bearing the brunt of all the abuse, while my uncle was a golden child who could do no wrong. Then, my mom decided she was done. She took a yard stick, my grandmothers weapon of choice at the time, broke it across her knee, and threw it at her mom. When she was finally old enough and able to support herself financially, she moved out of her house, saying "it was the happiest day of my life." My mom told me that she vowed to never treat her kids like that, that she would never put them through the pain my grandmother put her through. And she didn't; my mom is the most loving human on the planet, and she puts my brother and I before anyone else. I could not have ever asked for a better mom, a better best friend.


What am I taking away from this? Aside from the fact that my mom confided in me something my dad doesn't even know, I have realized my mom has an unimaginable strength- a strength I could only hope to try to measure up to. That as a little girl, she was able to stand up for herself- she fought back, because she knew she had it in her. I always said my mom was my role model, and now I know that's not just because she is an amazing mom, but because she is an amazing person. As she was walking out of my room after telling me all this, she told me "Never let anyone walk all over you. Never." I think after hearing this, there's no way in hell I ever will.


I love you with all my heart mommy. 

A Letter to What is Now My Past

I've been having extreme difficulty coping with you not being in my life. After having lunch with a great friend, a friend who I realized has always been there for me and always would be, I know that what I need to do is write out everything I think and still feel about you. I need closure, I need to be able to move on with my life because I know now that you are not coming back. This might be repetitious, but for me these feelings are still there, and I need to completely say what's on my mind so it'll stop eating away at me. So here it goes:


Things ended for us in a way I never thought they would. I never ever wanted to lose my feelings for you; you are well aware how I felt about you. I loved you, I was in love with you, and I always wanted you by my side. Those walls of yours, though, were what broke me down. After four months of trying to get into you fully, I came to believe that it would never happen. I was already feeling distant from you, and we were living in the same room. I was terrified about what was going to happen when I left for three months, and I admit I lost faith- maybe I should've listened to Saint Jude a bit more. You know that becoming the man I needed after I left was not fair, for either of us, and you know that it all happened too late. But what you and I both didn't know was that when I would get the chance to see you again, my feelings for you would change. I still loved you, I still wanted the best for you & still want you to be happy, but I was no longer in love with you. I think it was my mind's way of telling me that I needed to get over you, because even though you had started to show me how you could be, I had already hurt too much and wasn't able to give it a chance. I know this sucks; it sucks for you and it hurts me like hell, because there is nothing I want more than to be able to feel the way I used to feel about you. It kills me to have you completely out of my life, but if that's what needs to be done then it's a pain I'm going to have to life with. Because I still want what's best for you and I still want you to be happy, regardless of what I post on Facebook or my tumblr- these are my ways of coping and dealing with the empty feeling I have every single night, getting into a bed alone. Your sweatshirt has tried to be a substitute, but we both know it'll never be the same. We could never be the same. I want to be able to talk to you, to be your friend, and more than anything I want you to know that I will always be here for you, no matter what. I still care immensely about you, and you will always have a special place in my heart and on my mind, because yes- you were like no one I had ever been with. So I will hold back the texts, the calls, and try to contain the urges to talk to you. I will try to find the strength to let you live your life without me, while maintaining strength to live mine. I'll leave you with this thought: that if you ever need me, for anything- I am here for you. We might not have ended on a good note, having not spoken for almost two weeks, but my feelings for you, my opinion of you as a person, has not changed, regardless of what people say. I've been rewatching the newer seasons of One Tree Hill, looking for clarity, looking for wisdom to help me get by, and I came across a quote Peyton said with reference to Lucas when he was marrying Lindsey. This quote speaks true to how I feel, and no doubt will feel for a long time:

And I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and the strength to just let him be happy. But mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. That’s the toughest part, not letting go ya know? That’s the part of grace that really sucks.

Dealing with Change

I am only 20 years old, and having a lot of trouble coming to terms with the fact that I am growing up and starting my life. I saw this coming; last summer certainly was not the same as summer of 2009, and I am thoroughly convinced no summer will top that with respect to the fun I had with the girls. This summer has been one plagued with summer school, all too frequent work days, and a specific agenda for each girl that almost didn't seem to care whether or not a fun day was slipped in every now and then. This is the least amount of time I have seen my friends in probably 15 years, and naturally it's not sitting too well with me. While I enjoy my sleep and alone time as much as the next person, if not more (four online classes on top of working at Hallmark does a number on me), I still need to be around other people and be involved in their lives. I feel as though everyone is slowly slipping away, and there's nothing I can do about it. Sending a text every now and then, or even (mostly unrequited) Facebook messages simply does not do a justice compared to good old fashioned face time. I am realizing how much I took for granted the times when we were all free, all we wanted to do was see each other and make the most of the days before we all parted ways. Now it seems as though we are desperately trying to find a time to even just grab lunch; trying to work around two or three schedules is hard enough, let alone six, and it's starting to become more and more unrealistic. I've already lost my boyfriend this summer, the one person who I spend the most time with for over four months, and an overwhelming sense of isolation and feeling of loneliness has swept over me since we stopped talking last week. He was the one who I was always talking to throughout the day, because I knew that he wanted to talk to me too. Whenever I wanted to share something silly or stupid, he was the one I went to. I don't want to do that with my friends, because as sad as it sounds I'll feel as though I'm pestering them because they have so much going on. 

Coming home for summer was supposed to be a blessing; I would come home to people who love me and friends I've had since kindergarten. We had some good times in the beginning- days spent by the pool, nights with each other trying to find something to do, and just generally enjoying each other's company. Right around mid-July, it all just took a turn for the worse. I started having problems with my boyfriend, and when we broke up I was crushed. I reached out to the girls, with hopes of trying to relieve a pain I had never before experienced. Yet every door I had tried to open was almost abruptly shut back in my face. I made it clear I was hurting, I told them I wasn't okay. And after locking myself in the bathroom for 15 minutes, replaying an old voice message and reliving the past that I was not going to get back, you'd think they would see that I was hurting...badly. Either they didn't, or they just assumed it was something I would deal with alone. I know that I isolate myself, but this only happens when I feel like I have no other alternative. I am not going to sit here and blame them for having their own lives, but getting invited to go out with them by a different friend was a slap in my tear stained face. I know this is something I will get through, and I know now that my expectations of how people will act based on how I would act in the same situation need to be lowered, but reaching this point has been a painful road. Typing all of this out makes it seem as though I am throwing myself a pity party, but in reality I'm trying to cope with the changing times in the best way I know how; aside from listening to music I'm making sense of the world by throwing it onto something I can look at and read. My only hope is that while everyone continues to move on with their lives and travel down the paths they're determined to go down, they remember who was there for them when they needed it.

The Story of US

...looks a lot like a tragedy now. Ever since Friday, I've been trying to be strong. I've been trying to say that I'll be okay, and that I'll work through this. But the truth is, I've been rushing myself into thinking that I'm over everything. I think we do this sometimes; we try to rush through the storm that we don't realize how many raindrops we're carrying with us. Then, we feel guilty when it starts to pour again because we said we were alright.  It doesn't matter how many songs I listen to about breaking up and moving on, it doesn't matter how many pictures I post about being strong or learning from the past- right now is right now. And right now, I am hurting. I've gotten pretty good at pushing aside the hurt during the day, but at night when I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, the flood gates open and I succumb to it all again.  I used to think this was a sign of weakness, but now I realize it's a sign of healing. I am not going to continue to tell myself that I'm completely fine when I'm not, because then I'm only lying to myself. I know that eventually I'll be alright, and that yes, every day I do get a bit stronger. But part of what hurts the most with all of this is that I am completely in the dark as to how you feel.  The last time I talked to you you told me you wouldn't be the same person. I'm not saying I expect you to be, but knowing you have changed, and will change, hurts. It makes me hesitant to talk to you again because I don't know who I'll be talking to; I know it won't be the boy who stole my heart. I wish so badly that I could talk to you, but making the first move is not something I think I should do. You chose to walk away, and I am going to respect that. I just hope that it won't get to the point where you've walked far enough away that I can't even see you anymore, because that will really kill me. I would absolutely hate to lose you out of my life, but if that's what needs to happen then so be it. I'll bounce back, I always do. Right now it's just a matter of braving the storm.

Taylor Swift- The Story of Us
I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us
How we met and the sparks flew instantly
And people would say, "They're the lucky ones".

I used to know my place was a spot next to you
Now I'm searchin' the room for an empty seat
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fallout
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standin' alone in a crowded room and we're not speakin'
And I'm dyin' to know, is it killin' you like it's killin' me, yeah
I don't know what to say,
Since the twist of fate when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

Next chapter.

How'd we end up this way?
You see me nervously pulling at my clothes and tryin' to look busy
And you're doin' your best to avoid me

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should've held me

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud

Now I'm standin' alone in a crowded room and we're not speakin'
And I'm dyin' to know, is it killin' you like it's killin' me, yeah
I don't know what to say,
Since the twist of fate when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side

The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you say you'd rather love than fight

So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon

Now I'm standin' alone in a crowded room and we're not speakin'
And I'm dyin' to know, is it killin' you like it's killin' me, yeah
I don't know what to say,
Since the twist of fate when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now

And we're not speakin'
And I'm dyin' to know, is it killin' you like it's killin' me, yeah
I don't know what to say,
Since the twist of fate, 'cause we're going down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

The end.

Too Much Beauty

I'm currently sitting outside in my backyard in Southern California enjoying the beautiful 70 degree weather.  My backyard is one of my favorite places; my mom works very hard to keep it beautiful, with a number of different colorful plants and flowers.  She's even planted different fruits and herbs- we grow apples, plums, limes, lemons, tomatoes, and more herbs then I can count.  Lights adorn our trees, and when the sun sets this place is a wonderland.  Whenever I come back here, I am reminded of the beauty in the everyday; something as simple as a bright pink Gerber daisy in a sunny yellow flowerpot makes me happy. 
There is nothing better than coming home after being away at school for so long.  Luckily, I am fortunate enough to make fairly frequent trips home for birthdays and various holidays; not everyone has this ability.  When I do come home, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to live in such a gorgeous place.  Most would call this town a bubble, and to an extent I can understand that.  There isn't a whole lot to do, especially for the teenagers in this town.  There are more furniture stores than anything else.  However, we're a short 15 minute drive from the beach, close to malls, movie theaters, outdoor shopping centers, and so much more.  Being away for school has made me appreciate this small town more than I ever thought I could, and as I sit outside on this gorgeous sunny day, I am able to look up and stare at blue sky- something that is rare for me, especially living in the gloomy city of Corvallis, Oregon.  I can taste summer (and the sweet strawberries that I just ate) on my lips; it'll be here in less than a week, and I can't wait to sit by the pool, go to the Santa Monica beaches, and regain all the Vitamin D I lost from months and months of rain and cloudy skies.  Sitting here, thinking about maybe making my way over to a friends house to lay out by the pool, I am reminded of a quote from the movie Stay.  One of the main characters is contemplating suicide, and his therapist talks to his girlfriend who had once had similar thoughts in her life.  Her advice: 

There's too much beauty to quit.

Rooftops

One of the most important things I've come to value and respect is individuality.  Our generation today has the luck and privilege of being one of the most diverse (granted improvement needs to be made on tolerance).  People can personally express themselves with clothing, hairstyles, piercings, and my personal favorite-tattoos, an outward expression of inner beliefs.  I have two myself, both in respect to my parents.  My next will either be an expression of my faith & religion, or how far I've come in life, and still have to go.  They're a way for me to be myself and represent who I really am.  This notion of "always being yourself" is a difficult one, due to fear of not being accepted, alienation, and feelings of discomfort or unworthiness.  I'm telling you this: you only live once (surprise, right?).  You have one time on this earth to show it who you are.  Stop trying to be a vision of what you think others want to see; they're not worth anything in the end if they want you to be anyone but yourself.  Know who you are & embrace it!  Wave that weirdo flag high and proud, be opinionated, tell everyone "this is who I am, and if you don't like it you can fuck off."  Do it with strength, do it with confidence, do it with pride, and scream your heart out.

If you're lucky enough to be different from everyone else, don't change.- Taylor Swift

The Lostprophets- Rooftops
When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say we've had our fun?

Will we make a mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
This is all we got now
Everybody scream your heart out.

All the love I've met
I have no regrets
If it all ends now, I'm set

Will we make a mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
This is all we got now
Everybody scream your heart out.

Standing on the rooftops
(Wait until the bombs drop)
This is all we got now
(Scream until your heart stops)
Never gonna regret
(Watching every sunset)
We'll listen to your heartbeat
(All the love that we found)

Scream your heart out 
Scream your

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
This is all we got now
Everybody scream your