Never an Absolution

One of the worst things for me is having a bad dream. I absolutely hate waking up in the middle of the night scared or upset, especially since I'm always alone. The dream I had last night has been bothering me since this morning. In it, I took a gun up to my bedroom and was threatening to kill myself. I have never had a dream like this before; there have been plenty where I've been trying to run away, but never one where I was actually contemplating death. I know I've had my low points, but it's never gotten bad enough to where I would even think about committing suicide- it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and the thought of it breaks my heart. I haven't been able to forget about this dream, and for some reason it's making me feel very, very alone. Things have gotten considerably better since last month, and I've been loving my time at home with my friends and family. But right now, I feel the numbness coming back, and I don't know why. It's something I wish I could so badly control, but so far it's proving to be more persistent and stronger than I thought. I just hope this doesn't last too long, that I'm able to feel alive again, and that the dreams I have tonight are going to be more uplifting. My dreams usually show me what it is that I want, whether it be love or closure or even just to hang out with N Sync (one of my favorites). If this is the case, if a dream really is a wish your heart makes, what does this say about how I really feel? Is it that deeply ingrained in my mind that I'm not good enough, not worthy of anything, even life? I know these might seem like ramblings of a dramatic girl who overreacts, but honestly right now I am downright scared. It's difficult to try to explain this to anyone, which is why I'm choosing to mainly keep these feelings to myself, at least the intensity. But I just feel helpless, empty, and disturbed. Not like mentally disturbed as in there's something wrong with me, but that no matter how hard I try, and though I might get close, I can't receive peace- the one thing I am desperately seeking.