Comfortably Numb

Every since I started with this online blogging fad, I have actually learned a lot about myself. It also helps that all I do is go to work, write essays for online classes, eat, sleep, and sit on the computer (with the occasional tanning session). I have zero idea who I am. Do we ever really know though? I know what I like, I know what keeps me going and what I look forward to, but my mind is composed of 30,000 different things each day. I think about dying my hair, getting more piercings, drawing new tattoos, and blasting my rock music in a concert tee. I think about baking cupcakes, decorating them with sprinkles, spending the day in the kitchen. I think about delicate sundresses with cowboy boots, fresh squeezed lemonade, and fields of sunflowers. I think about running, swimming, boxing, and working up a much needed sweat. I think about car rides with the windows rolled down, letting my hair run wild. I imagine what my life will be like 1, 5, 10 years from now, and whether I'll have a steady career as a teacher, or a family, or will be completely alone. I think about how I belong in the 1950s, & imagine growing up when life seemed simple and families had the cookie-cutter image. But mainly I think about time. I wonder if I have enough of it, to be all the versions of myself that I wish to be. I wonder if it's possible to even be every version of myself, or if they're too contradictory. I wonder what it is that I am here for, why I was placed on this earth, and in what way will I leave an impact, if any. And around this time of night, like clockwork, I sit in bed and think about the past. About the people I've lost, the people I've left, who've walked away from me & who I've walked away from. I think about how different my life was 3 months ago, last year, and where I am now. And I think about how this will affect the coming school year. And, just like clockwork, an overwhelming feeling of nausea and pain in my stomach causes me to curl up in a ball & lay my head on my giant stuffed bunny rabbit. Life: it excites me, it confuses me, and it scares me. & what I want right now, is just to feel something again. Anything, at all. Because this feeling of numbness makes me feel like I'm just floating through life, wasting the time I have and not taking advantage of the greatness I'm surrounded by. Yet somehow, I don't care. I know that I just have to get through another month & I'll be back up at school, will once again become the person I love, and will be back with friends I desperately need to lean on. Until then, I'll remain comfortably numb.