A Letter to What is Now My Past

I've been having extreme difficulty coping with you not being in my life. After having lunch with a great friend, a friend who I realized has always been there for me and always would be, I know that what I need to do is write out everything I think and still feel about you. I need closure, I need to be able to move on with my life because I know now that you are not coming back. This might be repetitious, but for me these feelings are still there, and I need to completely say what's on my mind so it'll stop eating away at me. So here it goes:


Things ended for us in a way I never thought they would. I never ever wanted to lose my feelings for you; you are well aware how I felt about you. I loved you, I was in love with you, and I always wanted you by my side. Those walls of yours, though, were what broke me down. After four months of trying to get into you fully, I came to believe that it would never happen. I was already feeling distant from you, and we were living in the same room. I was terrified about what was going to happen when I left for three months, and I admit I lost faith- maybe I should've listened to Saint Jude a bit more. You know that becoming the man I needed after I left was not fair, for either of us, and you know that it all happened too late. But what you and I both didn't know was that when I would get the chance to see you again, my feelings for you would change. I still loved you, I still wanted the best for you & still want you to be happy, but I was no longer in love with you. I think it was my mind's way of telling me that I needed to get over you, because even though you had started to show me how you could be, I had already hurt too much and wasn't able to give it a chance. I know this sucks; it sucks for you and it hurts me like hell, because there is nothing I want more than to be able to feel the way I used to feel about you. It kills me to have you completely out of my life, but if that's what needs to be done then it's a pain I'm going to have to life with. Because I still want what's best for you and I still want you to be happy, regardless of what I post on Facebook or my tumblr- these are my ways of coping and dealing with the empty feeling I have every single night, getting into a bed alone. Your sweatshirt has tried to be a substitute, but we both know it'll never be the same. We could never be the same. I want to be able to talk to you, to be your friend, and more than anything I want you to know that I will always be here for you, no matter what. I still care immensely about you, and you will always have a special place in my heart and on my mind, because yes- you were like no one I had ever been with. So I will hold back the texts, the calls, and try to contain the urges to talk to you. I will try to find the strength to let you live your life without me, while maintaining strength to live mine. I'll leave you with this thought: that if you ever need me, for anything- I am here for you. We might not have ended on a good note, having not spoken for almost two weeks, but my feelings for you, my opinion of you as a person, has not changed, regardless of what people say. I've been rewatching the newer seasons of One Tree Hill, looking for clarity, looking for wisdom to help me get by, and I came across a quote Peyton said with reference to Lucas when he was marrying Lindsey. This quote speaks true to how I feel, and no doubt will feel for a long time:

And I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and the strength to just let him be happy. But mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. That’s the toughest part, not letting go ya know? That’s the part of grace that really sucks.