Stand Still, Look Pretty

Tomorrow is my best friend's 21st birthday. We grew up together; she lived behind me for the first years of our life, and even after she moved her house was my second home. I've been on trips with her family, we've been through extreme ups and downs, but through it all have remained best friends. I owe a lot to her- she's kept me sane and stuck by me, even while she was in another hemisphere of the world. And tomorrow, while everyone is out celebrating her 21st birthday, one of the biggest milestones in a person's life, I won't be there. Why? Because the other girls will be there, and I still can't face them. I don't want to face them. I continually have dreams about them, I think about them all the time, and am haunted by memories of the past now that I'm home. There's not a place in this small town where I don't have a memory of one of them. & I can't go to her dinner, because more than anything I don't want it to be awkward for her. I want her to have a great birthday, free from drama and tears and uncomfortable tension, which is why I'm sitting this one out. And it's literally killing me, knowing that because of something that didn't even involve her, I won't be there. We're having a holiday party at our house today, and a bunch of family friends and cousins are coming over. I sit here all dressed up, hair curled & make-up on (a very rare accomplishment), desperately wishing I could just be in bed watching One Tree Hill and avoiding the past. Yet once again, I have to put on a forced smile, pretend like this isn't eating away at me, and pray that I can make it through the night without that realization setting in again. Just gotta stand still & look pretty.