Little Miss

In 2011 I lost 4 of my best friends.

In 2011 I had my heart broken, more than once.

In 2011 I saw my tiny hometown get shaken by unexpected deaths of those we all knew and loved.

In 2011 I became a coward, a person fearful of the world around her.

In 2011 I built my walls even higher, and shut out everyone around me.

In 2011 I turned to self harm, and began cutting myself, losing hope in people and everything around me.

In 2011 I lost control.

But...

In 2011 I became closer with other friends and roommates, and have an incredibly deep connection with one.

In 2011 I fixed my broken heart, more than once.

In 2011 I saw my hometown grow stronger than ever, unite, and stand by each other through the tragedies.

In 2011 I've tried to break away from that fear, succeeding on occasion.

In 2011 I learned who I can trust, and as a result have protected myself.

In 2011 I realized how much I love my family, and how I am the luckiest girl in the world to have the most supportive and loving parents.

And in 2012...

I will stop cutting myself. I will take back control of my life. I will guard myself from heartache but remember to be kind to those around me and not shut everyone out. I will step out of my comfort zone more and try to have more fun. I will avoid locking myself in my room and shutting out the world when it gets hard. I will be more appreciative of my life and the many, many ways it has been blessed. I will remember those who are no longer with us, and forgive those who left me on purpose. I will strive for inner peace. I will go back to being a person I am proud of, and not use my weaknesses as excuses. I will continue being a fighter.

Here's to a new year, a new start, and a new life.

Stand Still, Look Pretty

Tomorrow is my best friend's 21st birthday. We grew up together; she lived behind me for the first years of our life, and even after she moved her house was my second home. I've been on trips with her family, we've been through extreme ups and downs, but through it all have remained best friends. I owe a lot to her- she's kept me sane and stuck by me, even while she was in another hemisphere of the world. And tomorrow, while everyone is out celebrating her 21st birthday, one of the biggest milestones in a person's life, I won't be there. Why? Because the other girls will be there, and I still can't face them. I don't want to face them. I continually have dreams about them, I think about them all the time, and am haunted by memories of the past now that I'm home. There's not a place in this small town where I don't have a memory of one of them. & I can't go to her dinner, because more than anything I don't want it to be awkward for her. I want her to have a great birthday, free from drama and tears and uncomfortable tension, which is why I'm sitting this one out. And it's literally killing me, knowing that because of something that didn't even involve her, I won't be there. We're having a holiday party at our house today, and a bunch of family friends and cousins are coming over. I sit here all dressed up, hair curled & make-up on (a very rare accomplishment), desperately wishing I could just be in bed watching One Tree Hill and avoiding the past. Yet once again, I have to put on a forced smile, pretend like this isn't eating away at me, and pray that I can make it through the night without that realization setting in again. Just gotta stand still & look pretty.

What Can I Say

Everything's changed. I can try to say something to make myself feel better, but it would just be a lie. It was silly to think that things would stay exactly the same, even after all of that time. People move on, it's what they do and it's necessary in life. I can tell things have been different, I could tell the day after the last time I saw you- it was a Friday, I was horribly hungover and driving to Lincoln City with my roommates to get some things done. I wasn't sending text messages to you as much or as quickly as I usually do, and I assume you interpreted that as me not wanting to talk. I can give you reasons as to why I didn't, but I don't think it'll change your mind at this point. You're different, but I can't blame you. It's my fault things have ended up this way, so I'll take the blame and responsibility. I feel like utter shit for forgetting to wish you a happy birthday, I really wish you knew how badly I feel. But, the past is in the past & there's nothing I can do about it now. The direction our friendship seems to be going in isn't that great, but I feel like there's nothing I can do to change it without seeming like I'm either taking advantage of you or leading you on. And as I feel you slipping away, I have no choice but to let you go. I'll tell you that I still care about you and will be here for you no matter what, even though I doubt you'll ever take me up on that. You have been a huge part of my life for the past 10 months, and it's going to be a big transition to lose the person I leaned on the most throughout everything I went through. But, most things have to come to an end, and once again it's time for me to try to stand on my own two feet instead of relying so heavily on you, because it's just not fair for you. Saying I'm sorry probably still means nothing to you, but I am. I'm sorry for the way things ended, I'm sorry for ever hurting you, and I'm sorry for all I put you through. You didn't deserve it. And I pray that someone a hell of a lot better than me comes along and opens your eyes up to all that you've been missing, that she treats you the way you deserve to be treated and you love the way you never have before.
I will always and forever talk about you with a smile on my face, and never regret saying yes to the dance.

Numb

I can't deal. Every little thing that happens, I take very personally. I over-analyze, I expect too much, and I trust too much. I'm done trying to explain myself to people, trying to tell them how I am. 99% of the time they don't actually care, they're just curious. & it's getting to the point where I don't even think I can talk to anyone, because it's the same old story, and they don't know how to react, will judge me or just talk about it behind my back (which, I've discovered over the past week, more did than I thought). I am sick and tired of the pettiness, of everyone acting like they are such saints but in reality they suck just as much as I do. I'm tired of girls thinking they're different from everyone else but they're all the same. I'm done feeling like a victim of myself, feeling like I want to reach out to someone to help but knowing it'll do no good. Saying I want it all to end at this point terrifies me; I don't think I'll ever reach that point and I know it'll do no good, but I am consumed and overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness. Most days I don't want to get out of bed, but I do anyway & put on a fake smile for the world, hiding the unrest I feel inside. 

I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up.

Irvine

I promised Josh I wouldn't do it anymore.

When I found out about his passing, I came home from five hours of class and collapsed into my door. I couldn't breathe I was crying so hard...I started hyperventilating but turned that music up louder to drown out my thoughts. For the first time, it didn't work. I cried until I couldn't anymore, and was left with the remaining silence from the storm that had just passed over me. I still can't believe that someone I grew up with is gone. It was hard to handle; even though we hadn't talked in really long time, I'd been hanging out with his brother and their friends, so I knew their group. I was overcome with guilt. I felt bad for all of his close friends, for his twin brother, for his family, because they're never going to see him again. And while they're desperate to have a loved one back in their lives, I'm still pushing away all of mine. 

The text from one of the girls propelled me further down. I had just received news about two more guys from my tiny hometown passing away, and was overwhelmed with the longing to be back home. That text message...though it might've been legitimately because she cared, seem forced and insincere. It only served to bring up memories from a lonely and unbearable summer, spent counting down the days until I could be away from everything and everyone that had brought me so much pain. Yet now, 1,000 miles away, I am still reminded of that pain every night when I close my eyes, and I can feel it overtaking me once again.

I promised Josh I would stop. I got down on my knees, looked up to the sky & started talking to him. I said I wouldn't be weak anymore, I wouldn't give in....that I would live for him and cherish every moment I have because we never know when it'll be our last. And so far, I've kept my word. It's been 16 days, but the urge is eating away at me, pestering me with every breath I take. It's all I want to do now, and everything around me is triggering that desire. Yet I can't....I can't and I won't because I promised Josh I wouldn't. So I'll sit here, try to occupy my mind with schoolwork, music, movies, anything to make my mind stop racing. I'll go to bed tonight, & pray for the strength to make it another day. 

A revolution's not easy

with a civil war on the inside. 

Sweet Silver Lining

I woke up feeling hopeful today, which is quite a change from the past couple weeks. I've had extreme difficulty with every situation that has been thrown my way since I've been back at school, and needless to say haven't found the healthiest methods of coping. I finally cracked Saturday night, and took out all my anger, aggression, stress, and feelings of overwhelming exhaustion on my roommates, and for this I feel bad. Eventually we all reach our breaking point, and it took something as little as being around drunk people to push me over the edge. I sat in my room and cried- cried over events of the summer that haunt me every night when I close my eyes, cried over knowing that my parents would be going back home & it would be another five weeks before I see them again, cried over the urge to feel the sting of the pain again but knowing I shouldn't, and cried over feeling completely hopeless and defeated. It reached a point where I just stopped, and blankly stared, not knowing how to climb out of the hole I have found myself in for the past four months. It seemed that every time something was going well, I would be beaten down once again, and the actions of those around me hit me like a train. I slowly started losing complete faith in people, especially those I had put the most in to begin with, and began to feel alone once again. A person can only take so much disappointment before they begin to internalize that they're the problem; this idea sunk in. Though it took me a while to come to terms with this fact, I need to remember to stop expecting so much out of people. We're all human, and I can't honestly believe we're going to be perfect all of the time. It might be easier to expect nothing out of everyone, and then be pleasantly surprised when something goes right. Though this seems like the ideal way to go about my day, I don't think it's going to happen. I put too much faith in humanity, I still believe that there is good in everyone and that they are capable of being the kind of people I hold them to. This may yield high expectations, and I may find myself constantly frustrated and upset with their actions, but at least I start out giving them the benefit of the doubt. 
So while the past three weeks have been filled with tears, misery, and an overwhelming desire to run away from my problems once again, this morning I find myself a little bit stronger and prepared to deal with whatever is thrown my way. This isn't to say that my dark spell is over, because I don't believe it is. Perhaps I'm in the eye of the storm, comforted by a bit of calm among the turbulent. What I do now is that for now, I need to do my very best to keep my chin up and prevent myself from permanently going under. My horoscope today was scary accurate, and I think it's something I'm going to stick with me for a while:

"You may be feeling a bit gloomy now. Something hasn't gone your way. Maybe several things haven't gone your way, and it's starting to get to you. But if you give in to feelings of darkness and pessimism, you will dig yourself a hole that gets deeper and deeper, and it will eventually be very hard to dig out of it. But if you can step outside yourself long enough to see the sun and understand that it's still shining on you, you can start to feel positive again. All you need to get back on track is a change of perspective. Look on the bright side." 

Just gunna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.