Breathe

Let's just say I could've used something like this to read weeks ago. Maybe it would've helped me get through everything faster, maybe I would've read it and not absorbed anything, like I usually do. I can relate to the third paragraph though, and I am starting to feel more at peace with everything. For the first time since I've been back up in Oregon, I hung out with my roommates and friends yesterday. I had been sick all weekend and isolated myself in my room, but when I had woken up I decided I was done hiding out. And for the first time in a long time, I laughed. A real, stomach hurting, tears falling from your face laugh, and it felt amazing. I realized how much I really missed these people, and how much I love them. I can tell this is going to be a great year, and even if it starts off bad, I have the power to change that. I alone can determine my outlook on what happens in life. I know I often say this, that I'll try to be more optimistic and deal with hardships better,  but after everything I went through this summer, I really think this is going to happen. I saw first hand that even though I felt like I fell really far off that horse, all it took was looking up to see that happiness wasn't out of reach again. This isn't to say I'm not going to have dark days, because I know I will, it's inevitable. But I will work damn hard to make sure they are few and far between. Because I deserve happiness, I deserve peace. And while this may be temporary, while I could wake up tomorrow feeling low and hopeless again, right now I can finally breathe.

Believe

Ten years ago today, our country was brutally attacked. And while it's usually difficult for me to remember what I had for breakfast in the morning, I can remember that day perfectly.
My mom woke me up as she would any other school day, but this day was different. She frantically ran into my room, walked up to me and said "wake up, our country is under attack." I was only 10 years old at the time, so I wasn't really aware of what was going on. I came down stairs to see my pup, and gave her a great big hug because it was her birthday. Then, I watched the TV as the towers were burning and they kept replaying the video of the planes flying into them. I was terrified, I thought something was going to happen to us, even in the small town of Agoura, but mainly was scared for my dad who was in LA. I put on all my valuable jewelry- my cross, the necklaces from my grandparents, and put my Teddy in my backpack and took her to school with me. Everyone was confused and scared and it was all we could talk about. When we finally got into class, I can remember talking to my classmates and my 5th grade teacher Mrs. Champion coming up and giving me a great big hug. Then, we went to work on making September the most patriotic month ever. We made tee shirts, pins, drew pictures, wrote essays, and even performed patriotic songs in front of the school. To this day, Mrs. Champion still has all of her patriotic stuff on the walls in her classroom.
As I said, I was really young when all this happened. I didn't understand terrorism, I didn't know why people would want to hurt us; to my knowledge, the US was a country everyone loved because so many people came here. I didn't understand the politics behind it all, and still don't. What I do know, is how many innocent people lost their lives that day. I know that we were victims of a hateful and inhumane act. I know that people still feel the pain from the loss of loved ones. I know that because of this day, we have lived in fear of something else happening, of more American lives being ripped from us.  I know that this day brought us all together, that we were a united front and joined each other in mourning. I know that together we've been picking up the pieces, and have tried to be strong and move on from this tragedy. I know that we can try to forgive, but we will never ever forget. 
I pray for those families who lost loved ones because of this attack. I pray for the heroes who risked their lives to save others, and even those who survived. I pray for all of those who were affected by this event, and I pray for our country- that we will always keep in mind what happened, and stay together no matter what.
United we stand.


Yellowcard- Believe
Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Climbing higher through the fire
Time was running out
Never knowing you weren't going to be coming down alive

But you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Be strong believe

Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day
Never fearing only hearing voices calling out
Let it all go the life that you know
Just to bring them down alive

And you still came back for me
You were strong and you've believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe
[radio voice]
Again today,
we take into our hearts and mind
Those who perished on this site one year ago
and also,
those who came to toil in the rubble
To bring order out of chaos,
to help us make sense of Our despair

Wanna hold my wife when I get home
Wanna tell the kids they'll never know
How much I love to see them smile
Wanna make a change right here right now
Wanna live a life like you somehow
Wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe
Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving lives in the dark

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe
Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day

(radio voice): The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.

Never an Absolution

One of the worst things for me is having a bad dream. I absolutely hate waking up in the middle of the night scared or upset, especially since I'm always alone. The dream I had last night has been bothering me since this morning. In it, I took a gun up to my bedroom and was threatening to kill myself. I have never had a dream like this before; there have been plenty where I've been trying to run away, but never one where I was actually contemplating death. I know I've had my low points, but it's never gotten bad enough to where I would even think about committing suicide- it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and the thought of it breaks my heart. I haven't been able to forget about this dream, and for some reason it's making me feel very, very alone. Things have gotten considerably better since last month, and I've been loving my time at home with my friends and family. But right now, I feel the numbness coming back, and I don't know why. It's something I wish I could so badly control, but so far it's proving to be more persistent and stronger than I thought. I just hope this doesn't last too long, that I'm able to feel alive again, and that the dreams I have tonight are going to be more uplifting. My dreams usually show me what it is that I want, whether it be love or closure or even just to hang out with N Sync (one of my favorites). If this is the case, if a dream really is a wish your heart makes, what does this say about how I really feel? Is it that deeply ingrained in my mind that I'm not good enough, not worthy of anything, even life? I know these might seem like ramblings of a dramatic girl who overreacts, but honestly right now I am downright scared. It's difficult to try to explain this to anyone, which is why I'm choosing to mainly keep these feelings to myself, at least the intensity. But I just feel helpless, empty, and disturbed. Not like mentally disturbed as in there's something wrong with me, but that no matter how hard I try, and though I might get close, I can't receive peace- the one thing I am desperately seeking. 

Beautiful Disaster

I hate that the past is coming back to haunt me right now. I hate talking to certain people and feeling the sting of the pain I had felt way back when. I just want to move on with my life but for some reason everything I tried to run away from always catches up with me. Guess it's proof we can never escape.
I know I'm not the same girl, I know the reflection staring back at me is drastically different than it was 3 years ago, so why do I still ache inside? Just thinking about how things used to be, it's tearing me apart right now. Honestly, I don't know if this is something I'll ever get over; it cut me so deeply those five years, and I fear it's permanent. This doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it's numbing, & I hate myself for letting something this trivial bother me so much. I just want to be able to breathe deeply and feel okay with everything- I just want to forget. 

Live Like You Were Dying

I'm approaching my third year in college, and am realizing how quickly the time is going by. Freshman year was undoubtedly one of the best years of my life, mainly because of how much I grew as a person. I was exposed to life for the first time, and got a taste of what it's like to be completely on my own. I experienced a lot freshman year, and while sophomore year was fun, it definitely didn't compare. I want to make a promise to myself to make the most out of this coming school year. I want to stop living in fear, I want to enjoy the times I have with my friends, and I want to be put out of my comfort zone more, because that's when I learn and grow the most (and in some cases have the most fun). I already know a good deal of my life has been wasted with me staying home, too afraid to face the world. While I will always have these fears deep down inside me, I really want to work towards getting rid of them completely. I came across a quote, written from a girl on another blog, and I realized I'm not the only one starved for something different. We both want to experience life, to taste its sweetness (and bitterness as well), and to have fun while we still can. Reading this quote made me even more determined to have an amazing year; I can't say anything for sure, but I will definitely try hard to make junior year even better than last year.

I want a late night adventure. I want someone to call me up and say, “I’m outside. Let’s go do something!” I want to go out late at night in my pj’s and my hair all tied up. Maybe drive around. Go to a park and just swing on the swings. Maybe sit in the grass and watch the stars or maybe go to a 24 hour food place and pig out. I just want a late night adventure with people I like to be around. No drama. Nothing but good vibes and good company.

Who I Am

I thought it'd be a good idea to compile a list of things that I love, things that inspire me so I can look back and remember where I was at this point in my life. So here it goes:

• Titanic
• the 1950s
• black and white photographs
• macaroni and cheese
• chocolate milk
• sunflowers & sunflower fields
• houses with wrap-around porches
• vinyl
• tattoos
• the sound of the ocean
• Christmas lights
• MUSIC
• concerts
• everything about film
• boots
• pickup trucks
• Chevelles/old muscle cars
• Disneyland
• perfume
• silver jewelry
• stuffed animals
• candy
• James Dean
• nail polish
• Supernatural
• baseball/New York Yankees
• song lyrics
• One Tree Hill
• Aviator sunglasses
• baking/cooking
• candles
• Bette Davis
• Oregon State University
• Thanksgiving
• Halloween
• pen pals
• Saint Jude
• Mexican food
• Shopping
• Running
• Elvis Presley
• Yellow Labradors
• Fluffy pillows
• Cuddling
• Slumber parties
• Horror movies
• Eskimo kisses
• Bubble baths
• Baggy sweatshirts
• Smell of boy’s cologne
• Fireplaces
• train tracks
• small towns
• bakeries
• typewriters
• Christina Aguilera
• pie
• sunshine

...in a nutshell:)

The Soundtrack To My Life

Music has been my savior this summer. I've immersed myself in songs that detailed my sadness, my longing for better days, and my strength to go on. The songs that have helped me get through:

1. This is Letting Go- Rise Against
2. What Can I Say- Carrie Underwood
3. Happy The Hard Way- Every Avenue
4. Breathe- Taylor Swift
5. What If You Stay- Chuck Wicks
6. What's Left of Me- Nick Lachey
7. Wish You Were- Kate Voegele
8. A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans
9. Even If I Wanted To- Jason Aldean
10. I'm With You- Avril Lavigne
11. Vicious Circles- Aaron Lewis
12. Strip Me- Natasha Bedingfield
13. Here To Stay- Christina Aguilera
14. Everything Changes- Staind
15. Life Stars Now- Three Days Grace
16. Iris- Goo Goo Dolls
17. Last Kiss- Taylor Swift
18. All We'd Ever Need- Lady Antebellum
19. Colder Weather- Zac Brown Band
20. Love Lives On- Mallary Hope

When words fail, music speaks.

♥ 

Beaver Nation

Choosing to go to a school with a football team was one of the best decisions of my life. I had the option of attending Cal Poly SLO, and although I loved the town and the fact that it was a solid distance away from home, I hated the fact that there wasn't a football team. I am still convinced picking Oregon State University was the best decision of my life; not only do I love the campus, but I have made amazing friends- a new family an entire state away, and I would do anything for them. They were a blessing; the whole reason I chose this school was because of Corvallis. This precious little town revolves around our football team. Everywhere you go, you can see people adorned in the orange and black school colors, anxious to root for our beloved Beavers. I'll admit, I was never a huge fan of football. After going to the games freshman year though, I fell in love. Waking up early, getting decked out in orange for another "orange out" in Reser Stadium, and rushing over to get in line with hopes of sitting right at the 60 yard line, it's all part of the fun. Today, our season starts. I can't wait to get up there to cheer on our boys, to scream during the game when we make a touchdown, to do our ceremonial chant when we make a first down, and to watch the game openers on the screen which always give me goosebumps. I'm excited to hear the crowd chant "O-S-U" and scream for our heroes on the field. I'm dying to feel the camaraderie when we all pile into that stadium, and for a moment it doesn't matter what grade you're in, what clique you're in or which parties you attend on the weekends, if any. All that matters is that you love and support your team, and will see it through to the end with them. Therefore, I don't care how many times we win or lose this season, it doesn't matter if Oregon blows us away during the Civil War (though I would love nothing more than to beat them). All that matters is that we cherish this time, we make the most of the season, and we support our team.
Go Beavs.

Learning to Breathe

Well, a lot has changed in the past month. It's hard to believe it's already September, and that in exactly one week I'll be back in Oregon with the people I've desperately needed by my side. This summer was a very difficult one, but without these challenges and mistakes we wouldn't learn anything. After everything that's happened, I know I can look back and say that I survived; it sure as hell wasn't easy, and maybe it's not fully over, but I made it through the worst (I hope)- and learned a few things along the way:

• Your true friends will be there for you, no matter what. It doesn't matter if they don't know what you're going through, it doesn't matter if they have a ton of new friends and have grown up and changed. If they care, they'll show it.
• You can and have to depend on yourself. I spent a good amount of time alone this summer, so naturally I had a lot of time to think. I was able to realize what I want in life, am slowly realizing the kind of person I hope to become, and know what steps need to be taken to achieve this. Tonight was an amazing night, and I spent it completely alone. There's nothing wrong with staying in on a Friday, to pamper yourself a bit and indulge in an episode of Gossip Girl (or two, or three, or ten...).
• If people have no respect for you and bring nothing positive into your life, walk away from them. There is no point in sticking around and working towards a friendship if it's not reciprocated. There's also no point in superfluous drama; eliminate it from your life and I guarantee you'll be a lot happier. Cut out the people who are too wrapped up in their own petty agendas and focus on the ones you have fun with, who enjoy your company as well. It might be painful, especially if they've been around for the vast majority of your life, but sometimes it's necessary to make these cuts, and you'll ultimately be better off. Life shouldn't be spent vying for the attention and friendship of those who clearly don't care, so stop wasting your time.
• Family is always there for you, no matter what. I realize this may not be the case for everyone, but it certainly was for me. Some of the best times I've had this summer have been with my parents, cousins, and aunts. I've realized how much I love them and how much I enjoy spending time with them- my cousins and I are closer than ever and I've loved every minute of it, and gained two new best friends in the process.
• There is nothing wrong with breaking. In fact, it's healthy. Sometimes you need to reach a low point so you know which way is up, and can take the steps to get there again. With that said, there is nothing wrong with crying, and nothing wrong with pain. The pain only lets us know we're alive, and that we care. 
• However, when you start to feel numb (as I did), reach out to someone. I can guarantee there is always somebody to talk to. I credit my current sanity to those who have stuck by me this summer, and haven't turned their backs when I reached out.
• Music can make anything and everything better. Whenever you need a friend, music is there for you. There is literally a song for every mood imaginable, and hearing the words from someone else that you're too afraid to say and too embarrassed to think makes you feel less alone in the world. 
• And finally, you are never alone. Regardless of how bad it may seem, how dark it might get, there is always always a light at the end of that tunnel, regardless of how long it might be. Sometimes all you need is a little faith; faith that everything will turn out alright, faith that you'll end up better off, and faith that even though you're going through hell, you'll come out stronger, even more ready to take on the next curve ball life's going to throw at you.