Beautiful Disaster

I hate that the past is coming back to haunt me right now. I hate talking to certain people and feeling the sting of the pain I had felt way back when. I just want to move on with my life but for some reason everything I tried to run away from always catches up with me. Guess it's proof we can never escape.
I know I'm not the same girl, I know the reflection staring back at me is drastically different than it was 3 years ago, so why do I still ache inside? Just thinking about how things used to be, it's tearing me apart right now. Honestly, I don't know if this is something I'll ever get over; it cut me so deeply those five years, and I fear it's permanent. This doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it's numbing, & I hate myself for letting something this trivial bother me so much. I just want to be able to breathe deeply and feel okay with everything- I just want to forget. 

Live Like You Were Dying

I'm approaching my third year in college, and am realizing how quickly the time is going by. Freshman year was undoubtedly one of the best years of my life, mainly because of how much I grew as a person. I was exposed to life for the first time, and got a taste of what it's like to be completely on my own. I experienced a lot freshman year, and while sophomore year was fun, it definitely didn't compare. I want to make a promise to myself to make the most out of this coming school year. I want to stop living in fear, I want to enjoy the times I have with my friends, and I want to be put out of my comfort zone more, because that's when I learn and grow the most (and in some cases have the most fun). I already know a good deal of my life has been wasted with me staying home, too afraid to face the world. While I will always have these fears deep down inside me, I really want to work towards getting rid of them completely. I came across a quote, written from a girl on another blog, and I realized I'm not the only one starved for something different. We both want to experience life, to taste its sweetness (and bitterness as well), and to have fun while we still can. Reading this quote made me even more determined to have an amazing year; I can't say anything for sure, but I will definitely try hard to make junior year even better than last year.

I want a late night adventure. I want someone to call me up and say, “I’m outside. Let’s go do something!” I want to go out late at night in my pj’s and my hair all tied up. Maybe drive around. Go to a park and just swing on the swings. Maybe sit in the grass and watch the stars or maybe go to a 24 hour food place and pig out. I just want a late night adventure with people I like to be around. No drama. Nothing but good vibes and good company.

Who I Am

I thought it'd be a good idea to compile a list of things that I love, things that inspire me so I can look back and remember where I was at this point in my life. So here it goes:

• Titanic
• the 1950s
• black and white photographs
• macaroni and cheese
• chocolate milk
• sunflowers & sunflower fields
• houses with wrap-around porches
• vinyl
• tattoos
• the sound of the ocean
• Christmas lights
• MUSIC
• concerts
• everything about film
• boots
• pickup trucks
• Chevelles/old muscle cars
• Disneyland
• perfume
• silver jewelry
• stuffed animals
• candy
• James Dean
• nail polish
• Supernatural
• baseball/New York Yankees
• song lyrics
• One Tree Hill
• Aviator sunglasses
• baking/cooking
• candles
• Bette Davis
• Oregon State University
• Thanksgiving
• Halloween
• pen pals
• Saint Jude
• Mexican food
• Shopping
• Running
• Elvis Presley
• Yellow Labradors
• Fluffy pillows
• Cuddling
• Slumber parties
• Horror movies
• Eskimo kisses
• Bubble baths
• Baggy sweatshirts
• Smell of boy’s cologne
• Fireplaces
• train tracks
• small towns
• bakeries
• typewriters
• Christina Aguilera
• pie
• sunshine

...in a nutshell:)

The Soundtrack To My Life

Music has been my savior this summer. I've immersed myself in songs that detailed my sadness, my longing for better days, and my strength to go on. The songs that have helped me get through:

1. This is Letting Go- Rise Against
2. What Can I Say- Carrie Underwood
3. Happy The Hard Way- Every Avenue
4. Breathe- Taylor Swift
5. What If You Stay- Chuck Wicks
6. What's Left of Me- Nick Lachey
7. Wish You Were- Kate Voegele
8. A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans
9. Even If I Wanted To- Jason Aldean
10. I'm With You- Avril Lavigne
11. Vicious Circles- Aaron Lewis
12. Strip Me- Natasha Bedingfield
13. Here To Stay- Christina Aguilera
14. Everything Changes- Staind
15. Life Stars Now- Three Days Grace
16. Iris- Goo Goo Dolls
17. Last Kiss- Taylor Swift
18. All We'd Ever Need- Lady Antebellum
19. Colder Weather- Zac Brown Band
20. Love Lives On- Mallary Hope

When words fail, music speaks.

♥ 

Beaver Nation

Choosing to go to a school with a football team was one of the best decisions of my life. I had the option of attending Cal Poly SLO, and although I loved the town and the fact that it was a solid distance away from home, I hated the fact that there wasn't a football team. I am still convinced picking Oregon State University was the best decision of my life; not only do I love the campus, but I have made amazing friends- a new family an entire state away, and I would do anything for them. They were a blessing; the whole reason I chose this school was because of Corvallis. This precious little town revolves around our football team. Everywhere you go, you can see people adorned in the orange and black school colors, anxious to root for our beloved Beavers. I'll admit, I was never a huge fan of football. After going to the games freshman year though, I fell in love. Waking up early, getting decked out in orange for another "orange out" in Reser Stadium, and rushing over to get in line with hopes of sitting right at the 60 yard line, it's all part of the fun. Today, our season starts. I can't wait to get up there to cheer on our boys, to scream during the game when we make a touchdown, to do our ceremonial chant when we make a first down, and to watch the game openers on the screen which always give me goosebumps. I'm excited to hear the crowd chant "O-S-U" and scream for our heroes on the field. I'm dying to feel the camaraderie when we all pile into that stadium, and for a moment it doesn't matter what grade you're in, what clique you're in or which parties you attend on the weekends, if any. All that matters is that you love and support your team, and will see it through to the end with them. Therefore, I don't care how many times we win or lose this season, it doesn't matter if Oregon blows us away during the Civil War (though I would love nothing more than to beat them). All that matters is that we cherish this time, we make the most of the season, and we support our team.
Go Beavs.

Learning to Breathe

Well, a lot has changed in the past month. It's hard to believe it's already September, and that in exactly one week I'll be back in Oregon with the people I've desperately needed by my side. This summer was a very difficult one, but without these challenges and mistakes we wouldn't learn anything. After everything that's happened, I know I can look back and say that I survived; it sure as hell wasn't easy, and maybe it's not fully over, but I made it through the worst (I hope)- and learned a few things along the way:

• Your true friends will be there for you, no matter what. It doesn't matter if they don't know what you're going through, it doesn't matter if they have a ton of new friends and have grown up and changed. If they care, they'll show it.
• You can and have to depend on yourself. I spent a good amount of time alone this summer, so naturally I had a lot of time to think. I was able to realize what I want in life, am slowly realizing the kind of person I hope to become, and know what steps need to be taken to achieve this. Tonight was an amazing night, and I spent it completely alone. There's nothing wrong with staying in on a Friday, to pamper yourself a bit and indulge in an episode of Gossip Girl (or two, or three, or ten...).
• If people have no respect for you and bring nothing positive into your life, walk away from them. There is no point in sticking around and working towards a friendship if it's not reciprocated. There's also no point in superfluous drama; eliminate it from your life and I guarantee you'll be a lot happier. Cut out the people who are too wrapped up in their own petty agendas and focus on the ones you have fun with, who enjoy your company as well. It might be painful, especially if they've been around for the vast majority of your life, but sometimes it's necessary to make these cuts, and you'll ultimately be better off. Life shouldn't be spent vying for the attention and friendship of those who clearly don't care, so stop wasting your time.
• Family is always there for you, no matter what. I realize this may not be the case for everyone, but it certainly was for me. Some of the best times I've had this summer have been with my parents, cousins, and aunts. I've realized how much I love them and how much I enjoy spending time with them- my cousins and I are closer than ever and I've loved every minute of it, and gained two new best friends in the process.
• There is nothing wrong with breaking. In fact, it's healthy. Sometimes you need to reach a low point so you know which way is up, and can take the steps to get there again. With that said, there is nothing wrong with crying, and nothing wrong with pain. The pain only lets us know we're alive, and that we care. 
• However, when you start to feel numb (as I did), reach out to someone. I can guarantee there is always somebody to talk to. I credit my current sanity to those who have stuck by me this summer, and haven't turned their backs when I reached out.
• Music can make anything and everything better. Whenever you need a friend, music is there for you. There is literally a song for every mood imaginable, and hearing the words from someone else that you're too afraid to say and too embarrassed to think makes you feel less alone in the world. 
• And finally, you are never alone. Regardless of how bad it may seem, how dark it might get, there is always always a light at the end of that tunnel, regardless of how long it might be. Sometimes all you need is a little faith; faith that everything will turn out alright, faith that you'll end up better off, and faith that even though you're going through hell, you'll come out stronger, even more ready to take on the next curve ball life's going to throw at you.

Suffering in Silence

So we're talking again. & I know you look at these, which means you'll read this. Somehow being able to write on here makes it easier than actually saying it directly to you. 
Now that we are talking again, it makes me realize how much I actually missed you. I mean I've known all along, because you're the one thing constantly on my mind all day. Every little thing that comes up during the day, I want to tell you about, but I stop myself. I don't want to abuse the strength you're showing me right now by being my friend & being there for me when I need it, especially for tomorrow. More than anything in the world right now, I just want a hug from you. I just want to feel safe again, I want to know that everything is going to be alright & I want that comfort instilled in me again. I feel this emptiness inside me again, that I felt right when we first stopped talking. I think it's because I know I can only have you as you are now, and not like how it used to be, & this is my own fault. It's hard to concentrate on my anthro final right now, since all I can think about is being held by you. I wish you could come with me tomorrow, I wish you could tell me that I'm not alone, even though this isn't that big of a deal at all, it still kind of bothers me (as much as I hate to admit, because I always want to put on a brave face). So, if you are reading this, I am sorry. I apologize in advance for the text message you'll probably receive before and after it goes down tomorrow. I wish I could rewind to February, where we'd just be laying down on my bed, my head on your chest & arms wrapped around you, listening to music. I felt so peaceful, so happy & untouched by fear or sadness or harm. I want that back. I want those feelings back.