Irvine

I promised Josh I wouldn't do it anymore.

When I found out about his passing, I came home from five hours of class and collapsed into my door. I couldn't breathe I was crying so hard...I started hyperventilating but turned that music up louder to drown out my thoughts. For the first time, it didn't work. I cried until I couldn't anymore, and was left with the remaining silence from the storm that had just passed over me. I still can't believe that someone I grew up with is gone. It was hard to handle; even though we hadn't talked in really long time, I'd been hanging out with his brother and their friends, so I knew their group. I was overcome with guilt. I felt bad for all of his close friends, for his twin brother, for his family, because they're never going to see him again. And while they're desperate to have a loved one back in their lives, I'm still pushing away all of mine. 

The text from one of the girls propelled me further down. I had just received news about two more guys from my tiny hometown passing away, and was overwhelmed with the longing to be back home. That text message...though it might've been legitimately because she cared, seem forced and insincere. It only served to bring up memories from a lonely and unbearable summer, spent counting down the days until I could be away from everything and everyone that had brought me so much pain. Yet now, 1,000 miles away, I am still reminded of that pain every night when I close my eyes, and I can feel it overtaking me once again.

I promised Josh I would stop. I got down on my knees, looked up to the sky & started talking to him. I said I wouldn't be weak anymore, I wouldn't give in....that I would live for him and cherish every moment I have because we never know when it'll be our last. And so far, I've kept my word. It's been 16 days, but the urge is eating away at me, pestering me with every breath I take. It's all I want to do now, and everything around me is triggering that desire. Yet I can't....I can't and I won't because I promised Josh I wouldn't. So I'll sit here, try to occupy my mind with schoolwork, music, movies, anything to make my mind stop racing. I'll go to bed tonight, & pray for the strength to make it another day. 

A revolution's not easy

with a civil war on the inside. 

Sweet Silver Lining

I woke up feeling hopeful today, which is quite a change from the past couple weeks. I've had extreme difficulty with every situation that has been thrown my way since I've been back at school, and needless to say haven't found the healthiest methods of coping. I finally cracked Saturday night, and took out all my anger, aggression, stress, and feelings of overwhelming exhaustion on my roommates, and for this I feel bad. Eventually we all reach our breaking point, and it took something as little as being around drunk people to push me over the edge. I sat in my room and cried- cried over events of the summer that haunt me every night when I close my eyes, cried over knowing that my parents would be going back home & it would be another five weeks before I see them again, cried over the urge to feel the sting of the pain again but knowing I shouldn't, and cried over feeling completely hopeless and defeated. It reached a point where I just stopped, and blankly stared, not knowing how to climb out of the hole I have found myself in for the past four months. It seemed that every time something was going well, I would be beaten down once again, and the actions of those around me hit me like a train. I slowly started losing complete faith in people, especially those I had put the most in to begin with, and began to feel alone once again. A person can only take so much disappointment before they begin to internalize that they're the problem; this idea sunk in. Though it took me a while to come to terms with this fact, I need to remember to stop expecting so much out of people. We're all human, and I can't honestly believe we're going to be perfect all of the time. It might be easier to expect nothing out of everyone, and then be pleasantly surprised when something goes right. Though this seems like the ideal way to go about my day, I don't think it's going to happen. I put too much faith in humanity, I still believe that there is good in everyone and that they are capable of being the kind of people I hold them to. This may yield high expectations, and I may find myself constantly frustrated and upset with their actions, but at least I start out giving them the benefit of the doubt. 
So while the past three weeks have been filled with tears, misery, and an overwhelming desire to run away from my problems once again, this morning I find myself a little bit stronger and prepared to deal with whatever is thrown my way. This isn't to say that my dark spell is over, because I don't believe it is. Perhaps I'm in the eye of the storm, comforted by a bit of calm among the turbulent. What I do now is that for now, I need to do my very best to keep my chin up and prevent myself from permanently going under. My horoscope today was scary accurate, and I think it's something I'm going to stick with me for a while:

"You may be feeling a bit gloomy now. Something hasn't gone your way. Maybe several things haven't gone your way, and it's starting to get to you. But if you give in to feelings of darkness and pessimism, you will dig yourself a hole that gets deeper and deeper, and it will eventually be very hard to dig out of it. But if you can step outside yourself long enough to see the sun and understand that it's still shining on you, you can start to feel positive again. All you need to get back on track is a change of perspective. Look on the bright side." 

Just gunna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.

Breathe

Let's just say I could've used something like this to read weeks ago. Maybe it would've helped me get through everything faster, maybe I would've read it and not absorbed anything, like I usually do. I can relate to the third paragraph though, and I am starting to feel more at peace with everything. For the first time since I've been back up in Oregon, I hung out with my roommates and friends yesterday. I had been sick all weekend and isolated myself in my room, but when I had woken up I decided I was done hiding out. And for the first time in a long time, I laughed. A real, stomach hurting, tears falling from your face laugh, and it felt amazing. I realized how much I really missed these people, and how much I love them. I can tell this is going to be a great year, and even if it starts off bad, I have the power to change that. I alone can determine my outlook on what happens in life. I know I often say this, that I'll try to be more optimistic and deal with hardships better,  but after everything I went through this summer, I really think this is going to happen. I saw first hand that even though I felt like I fell really far off that horse, all it took was looking up to see that happiness wasn't out of reach again. This isn't to say I'm not going to have dark days, because I know I will, it's inevitable. But I will work damn hard to make sure they are few and far between. Because I deserve happiness, I deserve peace. And while this may be temporary, while I could wake up tomorrow feeling low and hopeless again, right now I can finally breathe.

Believe

Ten years ago today, our country was brutally attacked. And while it's usually difficult for me to remember what I had for breakfast in the morning, I can remember that day perfectly.
My mom woke me up as she would any other school day, but this day was different. She frantically ran into my room, walked up to me and said "wake up, our country is under attack." I was only 10 years old at the time, so I wasn't really aware of what was going on. I came down stairs to see my pup, and gave her a great big hug because it was her birthday. Then, I watched the TV as the towers were burning and they kept replaying the video of the planes flying into them. I was terrified, I thought something was going to happen to us, even in the small town of Agoura, but mainly was scared for my dad who was in LA. I put on all my valuable jewelry- my cross, the necklaces from my grandparents, and put my Teddy in my backpack and took her to school with me. Everyone was confused and scared and it was all we could talk about. When we finally got into class, I can remember talking to my classmates and my 5th grade teacher Mrs. Champion coming up and giving me a great big hug. Then, we went to work on making September the most patriotic month ever. We made tee shirts, pins, drew pictures, wrote essays, and even performed patriotic songs in front of the school. To this day, Mrs. Champion still has all of her patriotic stuff on the walls in her classroom.
As I said, I was really young when all this happened. I didn't understand terrorism, I didn't know why people would want to hurt us; to my knowledge, the US was a country everyone loved because so many people came here. I didn't understand the politics behind it all, and still don't. What I do know, is how many innocent people lost their lives that day. I know that we were victims of a hateful and inhumane act. I know that people still feel the pain from the loss of loved ones. I know that because of this day, we have lived in fear of something else happening, of more American lives being ripped from us.  I know that this day brought us all together, that we were a united front and joined each other in mourning. I know that together we've been picking up the pieces, and have tried to be strong and move on from this tragedy. I know that we can try to forgive, but we will never ever forget. 
I pray for those families who lost loved ones because of this attack. I pray for the heroes who risked their lives to save others, and even those who survived. I pray for all of those who were affected by this event, and I pray for our country- that we will always keep in mind what happened, and stay together no matter what.
United we stand.


Yellowcard- Believe
Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Climbing higher through the fire
Time was running out
Never knowing you weren't going to be coming down alive

But you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Be strong believe

Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day
Never fearing only hearing voices calling out
Let it all go the life that you know
Just to bring them down alive

And you still came back for me
You were strong and you've believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe
[radio voice]
Again today,
we take into our hearts and mind
Those who perished on this site one year ago
and also,
those who came to toil in the rubble
To bring order out of chaos,
to help us make sense of Our despair

Wanna hold my wife when I get home
Wanna tell the kids they'll never know
How much I love to see them smile
Wanna make a change right here right now
Wanna live a life like you somehow
Wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe
Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving lives in the dark

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong believe
Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day

(radio voice): The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.

Never an Absolution

One of the worst things for me is having a bad dream. I absolutely hate waking up in the middle of the night scared or upset, especially since I'm always alone. The dream I had last night has been bothering me since this morning. In it, I took a gun up to my bedroom and was threatening to kill myself. I have never had a dream like this before; there have been plenty where I've been trying to run away, but never one where I was actually contemplating death. I know I've had my low points, but it's never gotten bad enough to where I would even think about committing suicide- it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and the thought of it breaks my heart. I haven't been able to forget about this dream, and for some reason it's making me feel very, very alone. Things have gotten considerably better since last month, and I've been loving my time at home with my friends and family. But right now, I feel the numbness coming back, and I don't know why. It's something I wish I could so badly control, but so far it's proving to be more persistent and stronger than I thought. I just hope this doesn't last too long, that I'm able to feel alive again, and that the dreams I have tonight are going to be more uplifting. My dreams usually show me what it is that I want, whether it be love or closure or even just to hang out with N Sync (one of my favorites). If this is the case, if a dream really is a wish your heart makes, what does this say about how I really feel? Is it that deeply ingrained in my mind that I'm not good enough, not worthy of anything, even life? I know these might seem like ramblings of a dramatic girl who overreacts, but honestly right now I am downright scared. It's difficult to try to explain this to anyone, which is why I'm choosing to mainly keep these feelings to myself, at least the intensity. But I just feel helpless, empty, and disturbed. Not like mentally disturbed as in there's something wrong with me, but that no matter how hard I try, and though I might get close, I can't receive peace- the one thing I am desperately seeking.