Fighter

As stated in my last post, I've spent the past month or so feeling numb- like I wasn't good enough, worthy of time or love. Now, I think I'm done with that. I'm done letting people get the best of me, letting their attitudes and actions bring me down. I'm done thinking that I don't deserve respect and friendship, when I do. So now, I am going to live my life for me. I am going to block out and forget about those who forgot about me, and concentrate on the ones who were there for me all along. I am going to become the person I've always wanted to be- someone who's mentally and physically strong, who has killer abs and willpower, who knows what she wants and will stop at nothing to get it. I am going to put more emphasis on what I think of myself than what others do. I will explore life more, and will do what I want when I want. So, to those of you who turned your back, who walked out, and who shut the door in my face: thank you. You made me realize a lot about myself: I don't need you anymore.

Comfortably Numb

Every since I started with this online blogging fad, I have actually learned a lot about myself. It also helps that all I do is go to work, write essays for online classes, eat, sleep, and sit on the computer (with the occasional tanning session). I have zero idea who I am. Do we ever really know though? I know what I like, I know what keeps me going and what I look forward to, but my mind is composed of 30,000 different things each day. I think about dying my hair, getting more piercings, drawing new tattoos, and blasting my rock music in a concert tee. I think about baking cupcakes, decorating them with sprinkles, spending the day in the kitchen. I think about delicate sundresses with cowboy boots, fresh squeezed lemonade, and fields of sunflowers. I think about running, swimming, boxing, and working up a much needed sweat. I think about car rides with the windows rolled down, letting my hair run wild. I imagine what my life will be like 1, 5, 10 years from now, and whether I'll have a steady career as a teacher, or a family, or will be completely alone. I think about how I belong in the 1950s, & imagine growing up when life seemed simple and families had the cookie-cutter image. But mainly I think about time. I wonder if I have enough of it, to be all the versions of myself that I wish to be. I wonder if it's possible to even be every version of myself, or if they're too contradictory. I wonder what it is that I am here for, why I was placed on this earth, and in what way will I leave an impact, if any. And around this time of night, like clockwork, I sit in bed and think about the past. About the people I've lost, the people I've left, who've walked away from me & who I've walked away from. I think about how different my life was 3 months ago, last year, and where I am now. And I think about how this will affect the coming school year. And, just like clockwork, an overwhelming feeling of nausea and pain in my stomach causes me to curl up in a ball & lay my head on my giant stuffed bunny rabbit. Life: it excites me, it confuses me, and it scares me. & what I want right now, is just to feel something again. Anything, at all. Because this feeling of numbness makes me feel like I'm just floating through life, wasting the time I have and not taking advantage of the greatness I'm surrounded by. Yet somehow, I don't care. I know that I just have to get through another month & I'll be back up at school, will once again become the person I love, and will be back with friends I desperately need to lean on. Until then, I'll remain comfortably numb.

The Comet

The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning. And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him. It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again. And his belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in his heart.

I got your letter. It broke me in two. I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know if there is anything left to say. Was this closure? Was this your way of trying to put an end to everything? I just want to know why you sent it, but I am too afraid to ask. We haven't spoken in 3 weeks now, the longest we have ever gone without talking since the night I met you. And every single night, around this time, an ache builds up inside me that won't go away, that stays and sucks the life out of me until I fall asleep with your sweatshirt. 
You haunt me, baby. You haunt me.

 

A Woman's Heart is a Deep Ocean of Secrets

This line from Titanic has never ran more true than it did today. I lent my mom the books A Child Called It, The Lost Boy, and A Man Named Dave. For those of you who aren't familiar with this series, it's an autobiographical story cut into three novels (a fourth was released later) about a boy who was severely abused by his horrible mother, and how he went through life dealing with that and trying to survive. My mom blew through the first two, and is now about to finish the third; I'm fairly certain she started them this week. She came in to talk to me today about them and was expressing her disappointment for the main character in the novel, the author, who talked about acting like a child around his mother even as an adult, especially when she would continue to berate him. She was upset that he didn't stand up for himself. I tried to explain my take on it- that he suffered so much as a child it's possible the fear he had then would always come back to haunt him while in his mother's presence. What she told me after that, only one other living person on this planet knows, and it broke my heart in two.


I was never super close with my grandparents, her mom and dad. They were older, we didn't see them that often as my brother and I got older, and we just weren't that close. From what I can remember of them, my grandma was a tiny woman, who was always yelling at my grandpa, leaving him mean notes and just generally being unpleasant to him. She was always nice to me and to the rest of my family, at least when she knew who we were (she had developed Alzheimer's, and died this past November). What I was unaware of, was that my mom suffered the same verbal abuse when she was growing up, and worse than that, my grandmother beat her. She would hit her with yard sticks, with metal fly swatters, and tear her down with her words. My mom told me she could remember her and her father bearing the brunt of all the abuse, while my uncle was a golden child who could do no wrong. Then, my mom decided she was done. She took a yard stick, my grandmothers weapon of choice at the time, broke it across her knee, and threw it at her mom. When she was finally old enough and able to support herself financially, she moved out of her house, saying "it was the happiest day of my life." My mom told me that she vowed to never treat her kids like that, that she would never put them through the pain my grandmother put her through. And she didn't; my mom is the most loving human on the planet, and she puts my brother and I before anyone else. I could not have ever asked for a better mom, a better best friend.


What am I taking away from this? Aside from the fact that my mom confided in me something my dad doesn't even know, I have realized my mom has an unimaginable strength- a strength I could only hope to try to measure up to. That as a little girl, she was able to stand up for herself- she fought back, because she knew she had it in her. I always said my mom was my role model, and now I know that's not just because she is an amazing mom, but because she is an amazing person. As she was walking out of my room after telling me all this, she told me "Never let anyone walk all over you. Never." I think after hearing this, there's no way in hell I ever will.


I love you with all my heart mommy. 

A Letter to What is Now My Past

I've been having extreme difficulty coping with you not being in my life. After having lunch with a great friend, a friend who I realized has always been there for me and always would be, I know that what I need to do is write out everything I think and still feel about you. I need closure, I need to be able to move on with my life because I know now that you are not coming back. This might be repetitious, but for me these feelings are still there, and I need to completely say what's on my mind so it'll stop eating away at me. So here it goes:


Things ended for us in a way I never thought they would. I never ever wanted to lose my feelings for you; you are well aware how I felt about you. I loved you, I was in love with you, and I always wanted you by my side. Those walls of yours, though, were what broke me down. After four months of trying to get into you fully, I came to believe that it would never happen. I was already feeling distant from you, and we were living in the same room. I was terrified about what was going to happen when I left for three months, and I admit I lost faith- maybe I should've listened to Saint Jude a bit more. You know that becoming the man I needed after I left was not fair, for either of us, and you know that it all happened too late. But what you and I both didn't know was that when I would get the chance to see you again, my feelings for you would change. I still loved you, I still wanted the best for you & still want you to be happy, but I was no longer in love with you. I think it was my mind's way of telling me that I needed to get over you, because even though you had started to show me how you could be, I had already hurt too much and wasn't able to give it a chance. I know this sucks; it sucks for you and it hurts me like hell, because there is nothing I want more than to be able to feel the way I used to feel about you. It kills me to have you completely out of my life, but if that's what needs to be done then it's a pain I'm going to have to life with. Because I still want what's best for you and I still want you to be happy, regardless of what I post on Facebook or my tumblr- these are my ways of coping and dealing with the empty feeling I have every single night, getting into a bed alone. Your sweatshirt has tried to be a substitute, but we both know it'll never be the same. We could never be the same. I want to be able to talk to you, to be your friend, and more than anything I want you to know that I will always be here for you, no matter what. I still care immensely about you, and you will always have a special place in my heart and on my mind, because yes- you were like no one I had ever been with. So I will hold back the texts, the calls, and try to contain the urges to talk to you. I will try to find the strength to let you live your life without me, while maintaining strength to live mine. I'll leave you with this thought: that if you ever need me, for anything- I am here for you. We might not have ended on a good note, having not spoken for almost two weeks, but my feelings for you, my opinion of you as a person, has not changed, regardless of what people say. I've been rewatching the newer seasons of One Tree Hill, looking for clarity, looking for wisdom to help me get by, and I came across a quote Peyton said with reference to Lucas when he was marrying Lindsey. This quote speaks true to how I feel, and no doubt will feel for a long time:

And I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and the strength to just let him be happy. But mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. That’s the toughest part, not letting go ya know? That’s the part of grace that really sucks.

Dealing with Change

I am only 20 years old, and having a lot of trouble coming to terms with the fact that I am growing up and starting my life. I saw this coming; last summer certainly was not the same as summer of 2009, and I am thoroughly convinced no summer will top that with respect to the fun I had with the girls. This summer has been one plagued with summer school, all too frequent work days, and a specific agenda for each girl that almost didn't seem to care whether or not a fun day was slipped in every now and then. This is the least amount of time I have seen my friends in probably 15 years, and naturally it's not sitting too well with me. While I enjoy my sleep and alone time as much as the next person, if not more (four online classes on top of working at Hallmark does a number on me), I still need to be around other people and be involved in their lives. I feel as though everyone is slowly slipping away, and there's nothing I can do about it. Sending a text every now and then, or even (mostly unrequited) Facebook messages simply does not do a justice compared to good old fashioned face time. I am realizing how much I took for granted the times when we were all free, all we wanted to do was see each other and make the most of the days before we all parted ways. Now it seems as though we are desperately trying to find a time to even just grab lunch; trying to work around two or three schedules is hard enough, let alone six, and it's starting to become more and more unrealistic. I've already lost my boyfriend this summer, the one person who I spend the most time with for over four months, and an overwhelming sense of isolation and feeling of loneliness has swept over me since we stopped talking last week. He was the one who I was always talking to throughout the day, because I knew that he wanted to talk to me too. Whenever I wanted to share something silly or stupid, he was the one I went to. I don't want to do that with my friends, because as sad as it sounds I'll feel as though I'm pestering them because they have so much going on. 

Coming home for summer was supposed to be a blessing; I would come home to people who love me and friends I've had since kindergarten. We had some good times in the beginning- days spent by the pool, nights with each other trying to find something to do, and just generally enjoying each other's company. Right around mid-July, it all just took a turn for the worse. I started having problems with my boyfriend, and when we broke up I was crushed. I reached out to the girls, with hopes of trying to relieve a pain I had never before experienced. Yet every door I had tried to open was almost abruptly shut back in my face. I made it clear I was hurting, I told them I wasn't okay. And after locking myself in the bathroom for 15 minutes, replaying an old voice message and reliving the past that I was not going to get back, you'd think they would see that I was hurting...badly. Either they didn't, or they just assumed it was something I would deal with alone. I know that I isolate myself, but this only happens when I feel like I have no other alternative. I am not going to sit here and blame them for having their own lives, but getting invited to go out with them by a different friend was a slap in my tear stained face. I know this is something I will get through, and I know now that my expectations of how people will act based on how I would act in the same situation need to be lowered, but reaching this point has been a painful road. Typing all of this out makes it seem as though I am throwing myself a pity party, but in reality I'm trying to cope with the changing times in the best way I know how; aside from listening to music I'm making sense of the world by throwing it onto something I can look at and read. My only hope is that while everyone continues to move on with their lives and travel down the paths they're determined to go down, they remember who was there for them when they needed it.

The Story of US

...looks a lot like a tragedy now. Ever since Friday, I've been trying to be strong. I've been trying to say that I'll be okay, and that I'll work through this. But the truth is, I've been rushing myself into thinking that I'm over everything. I think we do this sometimes; we try to rush through the storm that we don't realize how many raindrops we're carrying with us. Then, we feel guilty when it starts to pour again because we said we were alright.  It doesn't matter how many songs I listen to about breaking up and moving on, it doesn't matter how many pictures I post about being strong or learning from the past- right now is right now. And right now, I am hurting. I've gotten pretty good at pushing aside the hurt during the day, but at night when I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, the flood gates open and I succumb to it all again.  I used to think this was a sign of weakness, but now I realize it's a sign of healing. I am not going to continue to tell myself that I'm completely fine when I'm not, because then I'm only lying to myself. I know that eventually I'll be alright, and that yes, every day I do get a bit stronger. But part of what hurts the most with all of this is that I am completely in the dark as to how you feel.  The last time I talked to you you told me you wouldn't be the same person. I'm not saying I expect you to be, but knowing you have changed, and will change, hurts. It makes me hesitant to talk to you again because I don't know who I'll be talking to; I know it won't be the boy who stole my heart. I wish so badly that I could talk to you, but making the first move is not something I think I should do. You chose to walk away, and I am going to respect that. I just hope that it won't get to the point where you've walked far enough away that I can't even see you anymore, because that will really kill me. I would absolutely hate to lose you out of my life, but if that's what needs to happen then so be it. I'll bounce back, I always do. Right now it's just a matter of braving the storm.

Taylor Swift- The Story of Us
I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us
How we met and the sparks flew instantly
And people would say, "They're the lucky ones".

I used to know my place was a spot next to you
Now I'm searchin' the room for an empty seat
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fallout
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standin' alone in a crowded room and we're not speakin'
And I'm dyin' to know, is it killin' you like it's killin' me, yeah
I don't know what to say,
Since the twist of fate when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

Next chapter.

How'd we end up this way?
You see me nervously pulling at my clothes and tryin' to look busy
And you're doin' your best to avoid me

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should've held me

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud

Now I'm standin' alone in a crowded room and we're not speakin'
And I'm dyin' to know, is it killin' you like it's killin' me, yeah
I don't know what to say,
Since the twist of fate when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side

The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you say you'd rather love than fight

So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon

Now I'm standin' alone in a crowded room and we're not speakin'
And I'm dyin' to know, is it killin' you like it's killin' me, yeah
I don't know what to say,
Since the twist of fate when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now

And we're not speakin'
And I'm dyin' to know, is it killin' you like it's killin' me, yeah
I don't know what to say,
Since the twist of fate, 'cause we're going down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

The end.