Little Miss

In 2011 I lost 4 of my best friends.

In 2011 I had my heart broken, more than once.

In 2011 I saw my tiny hometown get shaken by unexpected deaths of those we all knew and loved.

In 2011 I became a coward, a person fearful of the world around her.

In 2011 I built my walls even higher, and shut out everyone around me.

In 2011 I turned to self harm, and began cutting myself, losing hope in people and everything around me.

In 2011 I lost control.

But...

In 2011 I became closer with other friends and roommates, and have an incredibly deep connection with one.

In 2011 I fixed my broken heart, more than once.

In 2011 I saw my hometown grow stronger than ever, unite, and stand by each other through the tragedies.

In 2011 I've tried to break away from that fear, succeeding on occasion.

In 2011 I learned who I can trust, and as a result have protected myself.

In 2011 I realized how much I love my family, and how I am the luckiest girl in the world to have the most supportive and loving parents.

And in 2012...

I will stop cutting myself. I will take back control of my life. I will guard myself from heartache but remember to be kind to those around me and not shut everyone out. I will step out of my comfort zone more and try to have more fun. I will avoid locking myself in my room and shutting out the world when it gets hard. I will be more appreciative of my life and the many, many ways it has been blessed. I will remember those who are no longer with us, and forgive those who left me on purpose. I will strive for inner peace. I will go back to being a person I am proud of, and not use my weaknesses as excuses. I will continue being a fighter.

Here's to a new year, a new start, and a new life.

Stand Still, Look Pretty

Tomorrow is my best friend's 21st birthday. We grew up together; she lived behind me for the first years of our life, and even after she moved her house was my second home. I've been on trips with her family, we've been through extreme ups and downs, but through it all have remained best friends. I owe a lot to her- she's kept me sane and stuck by me, even while she was in another hemisphere of the world. And tomorrow, while everyone is out celebrating her 21st birthday, one of the biggest milestones in a person's life, I won't be there. Why? Because the other girls will be there, and I still can't face them. I don't want to face them. I continually have dreams about them, I think about them all the time, and am haunted by memories of the past now that I'm home. There's not a place in this small town where I don't have a memory of one of them. & I can't go to her dinner, because more than anything I don't want it to be awkward for her. I want her to have a great birthday, free from drama and tears and uncomfortable tension, which is why I'm sitting this one out. And it's literally killing me, knowing that because of something that didn't even involve her, I won't be there. We're having a holiday party at our house today, and a bunch of family friends and cousins are coming over. I sit here all dressed up, hair curled & make-up on (a very rare accomplishment), desperately wishing I could just be in bed watching One Tree Hill and avoiding the past. Yet once again, I have to put on a forced smile, pretend like this isn't eating away at me, and pray that I can make it through the night without that realization setting in again. Just gotta stand still & look pretty.

What Can I Say

Everything's changed. I can try to say something to make myself feel better, but it would just be a lie. It was silly to think that things would stay exactly the same, even after all of that time. People move on, it's what they do and it's necessary in life. I can tell things have been different, I could tell the day after the last time I saw you- it was a Friday, I was horribly hungover and driving to Lincoln City with my roommates to get some things done. I wasn't sending text messages to you as much or as quickly as I usually do, and I assume you interpreted that as me not wanting to talk. I can give you reasons as to why I didn't, but I don't think it'll change your mind at this point. You're different, but I can't blame you. It's my fault things have ended up this way, so I'll take the blame and responsibility. I feel like utter shit for forgetting to wish you a happy birthday, I really wish you knew how badly I feel. But, the past is in the past & there's nothing I can do about it now. The direction our friendship seems to be going in isn't that great, but I feel like there's nothing I can do to change it without seeming like I'm either taking advantage of you or leading you on. And as I feel you slipping away, I have no choice but to let you go. I'll tell you that I still care about you and will be here for you no matter what, even though I doubt you'll ever take me up on that. You have been a huge part of my life for the past 10 months, and it's going to be a big transition to lose the person I leaned on the most throughout everything I went through. But, most things have to come to an end, and once again it's time for me to try to stand on my own two feet instead of relying so heavily on you, because it's just not fair for you. Saying I'm sorry probably still means nothing to you, but I am. I'm sorry for the way things ended, I'm sorry for ever hurting you, and I'm sorry for all I put you through. You didn't deserve it. And I pray that someone a hell of a lot better than me comes along and opens your eyes up to all that you've been missing, that she treats you the way you deserve to be treated and you love the way you never have before.
I will always and forever talk about you with a smile on my face, and never regret saying yes to the dance.