Suffering in Silence

So we're talking again. & I know you look at these, which means you'll read this. Somehow being able to write on here makes it easier than actually saying it directly to you. 
Now that we are talking again, it makes me realize how much I actually missed you. I mean I've known all along, because you're the one thing constantly on my mind all day. Every little thing that comes up during the day, I want to tell you about, but I stop myself. I don't want to abuse the strength you're showing me right now by being my friend & being there for me when I need it, especially for tomorrow. More than anything in the world right now, I just want a hug from you. I just want to feel safe again, I want to know that everything is going to be alright & I want that comfort instilled in me again. I feel this emptiness inside me again, that I felt right when we first stopped talking. I think it's because I know I can only have you as you are now, and not like how it used to be, & this is my own fault. It's hard to concentrate on my anthro final right now, since all I can think about is being held by you. I wish you could come with me tomorrow, I wish you could tell me that I'm not alone, even though this isn't that big of a deal at all, it still kind of bothers me (as much as I hate to admit, because I always want to put on a brave face). So, if you are reading this, I am sorry. I apologize in advance for the text message you'll probably receive before and after it goes down tomorrow. I wish I could rewind to February, where we'd just be laying down on my bed, my head on your chest & arms wrapped around you, listening to music. I felt so peaceful, so happy & untouched by fear or sadness or harm. I want that back. I want those feelings back. 

Fighter

As stated in my last post, I've spent the past month or so feeling numb- like I wasn't good enough, worthy of time or love. Now, I think I'm done with that. I'm done letting people get the best of me, letting their attitudes and actions bring me down. I'm done thinking that I don't deserve respect and friendship, when I do. So now, I am going to live my life for me. I am going to block out and forget about those who forgot about me, and concentrate on the ones who were there for me all along. I am going to become the person I've always wanted to be- someone who's mentally and physically strong, who has killer abs and willpower, who knows what she wants and will stop at nothing to get it. I am going to put more emphasis on what I think of myself than what others do. I will explore life more, and will do what I want when I want. So, to those of you who turned your back, who walked out, and who shut the door in my face: thank you. You made me realize a lot about myself: I don't need you anymore.

Comfortably Numb

Every since I started with this online blogging fad, I have actually learned a lot about myself. It also helps that all I do is go to work, write essays for online classes, eat, sleep, and sit on the computer (with the occasional tanning session). I have zero idea who I am. Do we ever really know though? I know what I like, I know what keeps me going and what I look forward to, but my mind is composed of 30,000 different things each day. I think about dying my hair, getting more piercings, drawing new tattoos, and blasting my rock music in a concert tee. I think about baking cupcakes, decorating them with sprinkles, spending the day in the kitchen. I think about delicate sundresses with cowboy boots, fresh squeezed lemonade, and fields of sunflowers. I think about running, swimming, boxing, and working up a much needed sweat. I think about car rides with the windows rolled down, letting my hair run wild. I imagine what my life will be like 1, 5, 10 years from now, and whether I'll have a steady career as a teacher, or a family, or will be completely alone. I think about how I belong in the 1950s, & imagine growing up when life seemed simple and families had the cookie-cutter image. But mainly I think about time. I wonder if I have enough of it, to be all the versions of myself that I wish to be. I wonder if it's possible to even be every version of myself, or if they're too contradictory. I wonder what it is that I am here for, why I was placed on this earth, and in what way will I leave an impact, if any. And around this time of night, like clockwork, I sit in bed and think about the past. About the people I've lost, the people I've left, who've walked away from me & who I've walked away from. I think about how different my life was 3 months ago, last year, and where I am now. And I think about how this will affect the coming school year. And, just like clockwork, an overwhelming feeling of nausea and pain in my stomach causes me to curl up in a ball & lay my head on my giant stuffed bunny rabbit. Life: it excites me, it confuses me, and it scares me. & what I want right now, is just to feel something again. Anything, at all. Because this feeling of numbness makes me feel like I'm just floating through life, wasting the time I have and not taking advantage of the greatness I'm surrounded by. Yet somehow, I don't care. I know that I just have to get through another month & I'll be back up at school, will once again become the person I love, and will be back with friends I desperately need to lean on. Until then, I'll remain comfortably numb.

The Comet

The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning. And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him. It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again. And his belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in his heart.

I got your letter. It broke me in two. I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know if there is anything left to say. Was this closure? Was this your way of trying to put an end to everything? I just want to know why you sent it, but I am too afraid to ask. We haven't spoken in 3 weeks now, the longest we have ever gone without talking since the night I met you. And every single night, around this time, an ache builds up inside me that won't go away, that stays and sucks the life out of me until I fall asleep with your sweatshirt. 
You haunt me, baby. You haunt me.

 

A Woman's Heart is a Deep Ocean of Secrets

This line from Titanic has never ran more true than it did today. I lent my mom the books A Child Called It, The Lost Boy, and A Man Named Dave. For those of you who aren't familiar with this series, it's an autobiographical story cut into three novels (a fourth was released later) about a boy who was severely abused by his horrible mother, and how he went through life dealing with that and trying to survive. My mom blew through the first two, and is now about to finish the third; I'm fairly certain she started them this week. She came in to talk to me today about them and was expressing her disappointment for the main character in the novel, the author, who talked about acting like a child around his mother even as an adult, especially when she would continue to berate him. She was upset that he didn't stand up for himself. I tried to explain my take on it- that he suffered so much as a child it's possible the fear he had then would always come back to haunt him while in his mother's presence. What she told me after that, only one other living person on this planet knows, and it broke my heart in two.


I was never super close with my grandparents, her mom and dad. They were older, we didn't see them that often as my brother and I got older, and we just weren't that close. From what I can remember of them, my grandma was a tiny woman, who was always yelling at my grandpa, leaving him mean notes and just generally being unpleasant to him. She was always nice to me and to the rest of my family, at least when she knew who we were (she had developed Alzheimer's, and died this past November). What I was unaware of, was that my mom suffered the same verbal abuse when she was growing up, and worse than that, my grandmother beat her. She would hit her with yard sticks, with metal fly swatters, and tear her down with her words. My mom told me she could remember her and her father bearing the brunt of all the abuse, while my uncle was a golden child who could do no wrong. Then, my mom decided she was done. She took a yard stick, my grandmothers weapon of choice at the time, broke it across her knee, and threw it at her mom. When she was finally old enough and able to support herself financially, she moved out of her house, saying "it was the happiest day of my life." My mom told me that she vowed to never treat her kids like that, that she would never put them through the pain my grandmother put her through. And she didn't; my mom is the most loving human on the planet, and she puts my brother and I before anyone else. I could not have ever asked for a better mom, a better best friend.


What am I taking away from this? Aside from the fact that my mom confided in me something my dad doesn't even know, I have realized my mom has an unimaginable strength- a strength I could only hope to try to measure up to. That as a little girl, she was able to stand up for herself- she fought back, because she knew she had it in her. I always said my mom was my role model, and now I know that's not just because she is an amazing mom, but because she is an amazing person. As she was walking out of my room after telling me all this, she told me "Never let anyone walk all over you. Never." I think after hearing this, there's no way in hell I ever will.


I love you with all my heart mommy. 

A Letter to What is Now My Past

I've been having extreme difficulty coping with you not being in my life. After having lunch with a great friend, a friend who I realized has always been there for me and always would be, I know that what I need to do is write out everything I think and still feel about you. I need closure, I need to be able to move on with my life because I know now that you are not coming back. This might be repetitious, but for me these feelings are still there, and I need to completely say what's on my mind so it'll stop eating away at me. So here it goes:


Things ended for us in a way I never thought they would. I never ever wanted to lose my feelings for you; you are well aware how I felt about you. I loved you, I was in love with you, and I always wanted you by my side. Those walls of yours, though, were what broke me down. After four months of trying to get into you fully, I came to believe that it would never happen. I was already feeling distant from you, and we were living in the same room. I was terrified about what was going to happen when I left for three months, and I admit I lost faith- maybe I should've listened to Saint Jude a bit more. You know that becoming the man I needed after I left was not fair, for either of us, and you know that it all happened too late. But what you and I both didn't know was that when I would get the chance to see you again, my feelings for you would change. I still loved you, I still wanted the best for you & still want you to be happy, but I was no longer in love with you. I think it was my mind's way of telling me that I needed to get over you, because even though you had started to show me how you could be, I had already hurt too much and wasn't able to give it a chance. I know this sucks; it sucks for you and it hurts me like hell, because there is nothing I want more than to be able to feel the way I used to feel about you. It kills me to have you completely out of my life, but if that's what needs to be done then it's a pain I'm going to have to life with. Because I still want what's best for you and I still want you to be happy, regardless of what I post on Facebook or my tumblr- these are my ways of coping and dealing with the empty feeling I have every single night, getting into a bed alone. Your sweatshirt has tried to be a substitute, but we both know it'll never be the same. We could never be the same. I want to be able to talk to you, to be your friend, and more than anything I want you to know that I will always be here for you, no matter what. I still care immensely about you, and you will always have a special place in my heart and on my mind, because yes- you were like no one I had ever been with. So I will hold back the texts, the calls, and try to contain the urges to talk to you. I will try to find the strength to let you live your life without me, while maintaining strength to live mine. I'll leave you with this thought: that if you ever need me, for anything- I am here for you. We might not have ended on a good note, having not spoken for almost two weeks, but my feelings for you, my opinion of you as a person, has not changed, regardless of what people say. I've been rewatching the newer seasons of One Tree Hill, looking for clarity, looking for wisdom to help me get by, and I came across a quote Peyton said with reference to Lucas when he was marrying Lindsey. This quote speaks true to how I feel, and no doubt will feel for a long time:

And I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and the strength to just let him be happy. But mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. That’s the toughest part, not letting go ya know? That’s the part of grace that really sucks.