Little Bit of Truth

Tomorrow, my parents are flying up to help my roommate and me move into our new place. The lease doesn't start until the 21st, so we'll have another day to get organized and packed up. While I'm excited to be going back home, to spend the summer with my parents and the few friends that'll be in town, I don't feel ready.


I've been bitching about this place for months now, desperate to leave, desperate for some sunshine and a change of scenery. I've wanted nothing more than to run away from all of my demons up here, to forget everything that has happened this year. And there's been a lot...more has happened in this past year than ever before it seems, and at the moment it's all weighing me down. I don't feel at peace, not internally, and not right now. Maybe this will come when I am finally home, but I know full well as much as I try to run, the past always catches up to me.


I always doubt my actions, doubt my choices in life. While I know everything happens for a reason, I can't help but wonder what could've been, what would've been if one little thing had been different. If I had never started self-harming; if I had kept it all a secret instead of telling my friends; if I had chosen to live in a different place for my junior year; if I had acted on my feelings instead of cowering in fear. 


I have been living in fear for as long as I can remember. There have only been a couple of times where I have truly jumped in, head first with my eyes closed, unaware of what I was getting into but actually okay with it. I will never regret these decisions, the ones I made when I knew I had something to lose. These are the ones that taught me the most, that gave me the most perspective on life, and have given me the best memories I could ever hope to keep.


In two more days, I'll leave Oregon for almost 3 months. I'll be away from this town, from this state, yet everything that's happened will stay with me. I'll live with these doubts and fears until I come back up here and no doubt do it all again. Vicious circles. 






I got a 4.0 this term.