I went to the doctor today for persistent headaches, fatigue, & just generally lacking energy for anything at all. I've been falling asleep early every day, and then sleeping around 10 hours a night and am still exhausted. Maybe I've just giving up trying with anything. My brother thinks I might be anemic. We went to find out.
The doc was just doing her job, this I know. But she started asking me questions about my life, and when I became less than responsive, she tried to dig deeper, saying that something more was going on and she could tell. At that point I just shut down. And I realized I don't want to talk to people about what's going on, at least not somebody like her. It scared me even imagining how she'd react if I spilled it all right there in that tiny room...I don't like other people telling me there's something wrong. I already know this. And her suggestion of anti-anxiety medication or something similar eluded to the fact that she wanted me to have some sort of psych consult...that's not going to happen.
I want to run away. I want to get away from everything. I don't want people to know anything about me, I don't want them to see my scars or know about my past or present. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just being judged for how I feel, for how my mind works. I'm sick of it all.
The lyrics to Crazy Girl are irrelevant, but the video seems to hit home. I feel like I'm locked up against my will, that no matter how hard I try I can't break free. But unlike the girl in the video, I don't want to ask for help. I won't. Part of me is comforted by my 4 walls, at least they stay constant in my ever-changing world. And maybe I like my misery, my persistent displeasure in my life and the world around me, unable to achieve happiness for longer than a fleeting moment. Maybe this is how I'm supposed to be. Maybe I am just crazy.
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