I envy birds.
That they're able to fly away when released from their cages, they can fly wherever they want.
My cage is my mind, and I'm trapped.

Crazy Girl

I went to the doctor today for persistent headaches, fatigue, & just generally lacking energy for anything at all. I've been falling asleep early every day, and then sleeping around 10 hours a night and am still exhausted. Maybe I've just giving up trying with anything. My brother thinks I might be anemic. We went to find out.


The doc was just doing her job, this I know. But she started asking me questions about my life, and when I became less than responsive, she tried to dig deeper, saying that something more was going on and she could tell. At that point I just shut down. And I realized I don't want to talk to people about what's going on, at least not somebody like her. It scared me even imagining how she'd react if I spilled it all right there in that tiny room...I don't like other people telling me there's something wrong. I already know this. And her suggestion of anti-anxiety medication or something similar eluded to the fact that she wanted me to have some sort of psych consult...that's not going to happen.


I want to run away. I want to get away from everything. I don't want people to know anything about me, I don't want them to see my scars or know about my past or present. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just being judged for how I feel, for how my mind works. I'm sick of it all.


The lyrics to Crazy Girl are irrelevant, but the video seems to hit home. I feel like I'm locked up against my will, that no matter how hard I try I can't break free. But unlike the girl in the video, I don't want to ask for help. I won't. Part of me is comforted by my 4 walls, at least they stay constant in my ever-changing world. And maybe I like my misery, my persistent displeasure in my life and the world around me, unable to achieve happiness for longer than a fleeting moment. Maybe this is how I'm supposed to be. Maybe I am just crazy.

This summer is already starting to feel a lot like last summer....& if that's the case, I don't think I'll be able to handle it.

Little Bit of Truth

Tomorrow, my parents are flying up to help my roommate and me move into our new place. The lease doesn't start until the 21st, so we'll have another day to get organized and packed up. While I'm excited to be going back home, to spend the summer with my parents and the few friends that'll be in town, I don't feel ready.


I've been bitching about this place for months now, desperate to leave, desperate for some sunshine and a change of scenery. I've wanted nothing more than to run away from all of my demons up here, to forget everything that has happened this year. And there's been a lot...more has happened in this past year than ever before it seems, and at the moment it's all weighing me down. I don't feel at peace, not internally, and not right now. Maybe this will come when I am finally home, but I know full well as much as I try to run, the past always catches up to me.


I always doubt my actions, doubt my choices in life. While I know everything happens for a reason, I can't help but wonder what could've been, what would've been if one little thing had been different. If I had never started self-harming; if I had kept it all a secret instead of telling my friends; if I had chosen to live in a different place for my junior year; if I had acted on my feelings instead of cowering in fear. 


I have been living in fear for as long as I can remember. There have only been a couple of times where I have truly jumped in, head first with my eyes closed, unaware of what I was getting into but actually okay with it. I will never regret these decisions, the ones I made when I knew I had something to lose. These are the ones that taught me the most, that gave me the most perspective on life, and have given me the best memories I could ever hope to keep.


In two more days, I'll leave Oregon for almost 3 months. I'll be away from this town, from this state, yet everything that's happened will stay with me. I'll live with these doubts and fears until I come back up here and no doubt do it all again. Vicious circles. 






I got a 4.0 this term. 

I'll Be Seeing You.

Something to Believe In

It's easy, really. To slip. To be so close to the edge, peering over, the wind blowing through your hair, whispering in your ear "just do it." And, you wait. You think about everything over the past year, everything that has accumulated and brought you to this point. Your hands start to shake, your mind races, your heart pounds. You close your eyes, and try to remember the hope you used to have, the peace you used to feel. And then, everything goes dark.


Without even realizing it, yesterday was 4 months. Yet I'm indifferent. I don't seem to care that I've gone that long, because I've taken up new self-destructive habits as a replacement. And if anything, these make me feel worse, like I have even less control than before.


Will there ever be a time when I can look in the mirror and be okay with what I see looking back? The moments where this does happen are fleeting, they leave just as quickly as they came. A moment of calm, of peace, and then hatred once again. Hatred for how I've handled my life, how I've dealt with stress. Hatred for how I let it get this far, how I still have regrets and wish I did things differently. Hatred for wanting it all to end.


This isn't me saying I idealize letting go. If anything, I just need to feel something again, anything. Because ever since the last time I was able to breathe, I've felt numb. And I let this numbness drown me in perpetual waves, not caring if I never come up for air. Yet at the same time, I can feel someone inside screaming, begging. She wants her life back, she wants to feel happiness and excitement. Mostly, she just wants hope. She just wants something to believe in again.