So Far Away

Something miraculous happened.
I've been putting Mederma on my scars for a couple of months now, and every time I did I would look at them with regret; regret for ever cutting, and regret for telling people about it. I would think about them and be fearful that someone (especially my parents) would see them; I would be afraid of how anyone would react. Yesterday, I looked at them and was actually proud. Which seems weird- why would someone be proud of their self-mutilation, all the damage they did in moments of weakness? Then it hit me. I'm proud of these because for the first time, I truly feel like they are only a part of my past. This is not to say that I am completely "saved" or "cured," or that I won't cut again. I can't make that promise to anyone. But for right now, I don't want to.  I want to see the scars and remember the heartache, the pain, everything that led me to picking up the razor. I want to look at my cuts and remind myself that even through all of that, I made it to here. 75 days and counting. 75 days since I've been so numb that I needed to draw blood to actually feel something again. 75 days since I let someone's words and actions hit that hard and dig that deep. I know there will be more hell I'll go through, it's inevitable with life. And I know that I can sit here and type this out, say that I'll be okay because for right now I am. But the past few weeks have been a testament to all of that. I've found other ways to cope, other ways to push past those urges and the overwhelming need to cut. I've silenced that voice. And for right now, that's all I can ask of myself. 


I've always been one to push myself. I pushed myself through junior high and high school, determined to get a 4.0. I've been pushing myself through college, with the expectation that I'll graduate with over a 3.7 cumulative GPA. And since February 11th 2012, I've been pushing myself to give up a habit I should've never started. 75 days later, and I have never been more proud of myself. I'm not scared about people finding out, because just like everyone else, I have a story. I know not everyone will understand or accept me, but I will. These scars will be a part of me forever, even if they do eventually fade. Because I'll remember how I fought for the freedom from myself, from my own mind. And how for almost 3 months, I've won.


The song So Far Away has always been my favorite. It's been one thing to continually put a smile on my face, regardless of my mood. I've always known I wanted to get those words tattooed on my body, but I never knew where or for what purpose. I think I've found that reason. Because right now, I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today. This is me, this is my life, and this is part of my story.

Cigarettes

I need the sea because it teaches me.

I don't know if I learn music or awareness,

if it's a single wave or its vast existence,

or only its harsh voice or its shining one,

a suggestion of fishes and ships

The fact is that until I fall asleep,

in some magnetic way I move in

the university of the waves.

Today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. I woke up, made myself breakfast, showered, & drove into Albany. I bought myself a slower cooker from Target, then went over to Kohl's and got two cute new shirts. On my way out of town, I happened upon the most adorable little farmer's market and decided to stop. I got some kettle corn from a precious old couple, and bought myself some flowers (which, according to my mom, was well deserved). Upon returning to Corvallis, I packed myself a lunch and headed for the coast. Newport is a gorgeous little town, when the sun's out of course. Laying a blanket down in the sand, I read my book for a couple of hours, occasionally looking up and watching all of the people who came with their kids, their loved ones, and their puppies. It was the most at peace I have felt in a long time. I needed a trip to the beach, to hear the crash of the waves, feel the cool breeze against my skin, and absorb the sun's comforting rays. Pablo Neruda's poem resonated with me the whole time I was there, especially the first line: I need the sea because it teaches me. I always feared the ocean, and today I realized why. The ocean is deep, it's immense; parts are unexplored, and undiscovered; it's feared and it's admired. The ocean is just like me, I am the ocean. This isn't to say I think that people fear me or admire me, but I think that it's composed of the same contradictions as I am. And because of this, I can learn from the sea. I can learn strength and fierceness, consistency and calmness, rhythm and peace. 
Sometimes all I need is to take a step back from my life and stare out into the sea...to realize that compared to the ocean, I'm just one person. And all of my problems, my battles are tiny compared to the beauty that lies within, all of the beauty that has yet to be unearthed. This realization gave me hope- hope that I'll make it through this dark phase, that I'll find peace among the storm, and that I will be okay.