September 18th, 2011 is the first time I self-harmed. I took the blade to my leg and cut, watching the blood as it dripped down my skin. It was a release, it was a way to control my life since everything around me had seemed to be falling apart, and it became my new addiction. It has been two weeks since the last time I cut, and even though I say this all the time, I intend on never doing it again. Right now, we are in the middle of the Lenten Season. And while I tell everyone I've given up chips and ice cream, I have really given up self-harm. Too many people around me are struggling, are in pain, and need help. This is something I have noticed since I first came to Oregon State and experienced life out of high school- real life. In real life, people are scared. In real life, people are running. And in real life, people are trying to survive. I am one of these people. And for 6 months now, I have used self-harm as a crutch, as something I turned to when I felt desperate. I have had two people walk away from me upon learning about this, two people I wanted to trust and have faith in. Maybe I wanted them to be the ones to save me, to help me get through. But now, I'm realizing I can only save myself. I can't rely on others to pull me out of this darkness, I need to start climbing. I need to take back control of my life.
Right now, everything is uncertain. But isn't that life? We never know what's going to happen, where the day is going to take us, and how certain people will affect our lives. Right now, I am in the middle of a battle, an internal struggle, determined to come out on top. I don't know if I am going to win, I don't know if I am going to lose. But right now, I am making a promise to myself. Next year, I want March 1st to be a positive day, a day of reminder for my success in quitting self-harm. Next year, I want to say that I don't need to cut to make it through the hard times. Next year, I want to say that I survived.
On March 1st, 2013, I will get a tattoo of an orange ribbon, the symbol for Self-Injury Awareness Day, next to my scars. This tattoo will be a reminder of all that I've gone through, of all that I will continue to go through. This ribbon will remind me that I am strong, that I can make it on my own, and that I am a survivor.
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