Numb

I can't deal. Every little thing that happens, I take very personally. I over-analyze, I expect too much, and I trust too much. I'm done trying to explain myself to people, trying to tell them how I am. 99% of the time they don't actually care, they're just curious. & it's getting to the point where I don't even think I can talk to anyone, because it's the same old story, and they don't know how to react, will judge me or just talk about it behind my back (which, I've discovered over the past week, more did than I thought). I am sick and tired of the pettiness, of everyone acting like they are such saints but in reality they suck just as much as I do. I'm tired of girls thinking they're different from everyone else but they're all the same. I'm done feeling like a victim of myself, feeling like I want to reach out to someone to help but knowing it'll do no good. Saying I want it all to end at this point terrifies me; I don't think I'll ever reach that point and I know it'll do no good, but I am consumed and overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness. Most days I don't want to get out of bed, but I do anyway & put on a fake smile for the world, hiding the unrest I feel inside. 

I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up.

Irvine

I promised Josh I wouldn't do it anymore.

When I found out about his passing, I came home from five hours of class and collapsed into my door. I couldn't breathe I was crying so hard...I started hyperventilating but turned that music up louder to drown out my thoughts. For the first time, it didn't work. I cried until I couldn't anymore, and was left with the remaining silence from the storm that had just passed over me. I still can't believe that someone I grew up with is gone. It was hard to handle; even though we hadn't talked in really long time, I'd been hanging out with his brother and their friends, so I knew their group. I was overcome with guilt. I felt bad for all of his close friends, for his twin brother, for his family, because they're never going to see him again. And while they're desperate to have a loved one back in their lives, I'm still pushing away all of mine. 

The text from one of the girls propelled me further down. I had just received news about two more guys from my tiny hometown passing away, and was overwhelmed with the longing to be back home. That text message...though it might've been legitimately because she cared, seem forced and insincere. It only served to bring up memories from a lonely and unbearable summer, spent counting down the days until I could be away from everything and everyone that had brought me so much pain. Yet now, 1,000 miles away, I am still reminded of that pain every night when I close my eyes, and I can feel it overtaking me once again.

I promised Josh I would stop. I got down on my knees, looked up to the sky & started talking to him. I said I wouldn't be weak anymore, I wouldn't give in....that I would live for him and cherish every moment I have because we never know when it'll be our last. And so far, I've kept my word. It's been 16 days, but the urge is eating away at me, pestering me with every breath I take. It's all I want to do now, and everything around me is triggering that desire. Yet I can't....I can't and I won't because I promised Josh I wouldn't. So I'll sit here, try to occupy my mind with schoolwork, music, movies, anything to make my mind stop racing. I'll go to bed tonight, & pray for the strength to make it another day. 

A revolution's not easy

with a civil war on the inside.